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Such A Good Weiner


Possibly, the best-looking Weiner you ever did see belonged to one of my favorite girlfriends. Her name is Jamie and his name was Gus and Gus was a handsome little dachshund. Jamie is not only a very fun person on a Saturday night but also a nurse with an enormous heart that has room for all beings, including a mostly dead squirrel on the trail that had been separated into three distinct pieces. She was thinking about having a baby and sort of moving onto the next phase of her life when Gus started moving into the next phase of his, which included loss of hearing, sight, and the ability to differentiate a human from the living room wall. So, Jamie simultaneously adapted for her and her Weiner and began practicing for motherhood by purchasing a front carrier for Gus, a small dog Baby Bjorn kind of thing where they both faced out.

It seemed like a good idea. This way Little Gus could accompany his mom to the grocery store, and on walks so at least she could get some exercise and be in a contained environment (strapped to her stomach) in case a predator jumped out of some bushes or an unsuspecting animal lover tried to pet him. And Gus seemed to like the new setup a great deal by going limp when the carrier was taken out, allowing his limbs to be malleable enough to be strapped in. Sure, people gave her funny looks but that seemed appropriate. Here was a happy, old, blind, and deaf dog in a Baby Bjorn. Jamie thought that was a perfectly good reason for people to stare. As long as she could have him with her and he liked it, she was happy. But maybe he liked it too much….

He didn’t want to get out when Jamie had to drive. So Gus’s slightly bug-eyed face peered over the steering wheel with his front paws sticking out on top. On sunny days when Jamie’s face was in the shadows, it very much looked like a Volvo SUV was barreling through town, being driven by an elderly dog with cataracts.

This became Jamie’s new thing, wearing her pup everywhere. Gus became so attached to his carrier that it served as his security toy in his furry nest where he spent whatever remaining time that he was not snuggled securely against Jamie’s boobs. So when spring rolled around and the invitations for gatherings flooded in, it seemed like a no-brainer that Gus and his carrier would come along.

Jamie assumed that an outdoor kid’s party was a totally appropriate place to bring an eleven-pound creature with some sight and hearing issues attached to her upper body. The kids loved it and Jamie had two free hands to pour herself a drink and then actually drink it. Eating a burger was more of a challenge since her mouth and Gus’s were precariously close to one another in this setup. So, if she was trying to limit her caloric intake, this was a great situation for her too.

When the kids gathered around the picnic table for cake, Jamie sidled right up to the table to share in the singing.

Happy Birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday to Catherine-


The singing ended abruptly. A few kids let out some psyche-assaulting screams. Catherine’s mother’s eyes got wide. She grabbed her daughter and covered her face with her hands.

“Um, Jamie, I think you should go into the house.”

Jamie frowned, confused, but the look on the terrified children’s faces encouraged her to step away from the cake and go see what all the fuss was about.

Jamie trudged into the house and into the bathroom to get a good look at Gus. He was calm and relaxed and, his head tilted to the right as if he were gently listening to Taylor Swift's new album. His paws were warm and soft at the top of the carrier. And two-thirds of the way down he was, um, very happy.

Wherever the Gus Bjorn was hitting Gus the Weiner was hitting Gus’s actual weiner and the little canine had a hard-on protruding directly out from his body, easily hitting a small child in the face.

Jamie was mortified and shuffled back out to her car, taking Gus out and letting him sit in the passenger seat.

As Gus deteriorated more and more, Jamie wore him more and more, his fifth leg always sticking straight out for the world to see. When we asked her why Jamie shrugged,

“At least I know he’s happy.”


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