Jan. 14, 2026
Brown Beard
What could go wrong during a romantic night after an all-you-can-eat crab fest? Whatever you are imagining, this is worse. Or better 😊
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Jo & Morgan
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To the restless, the insomniacs, the stressed out, the worried,
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and the board. This is for you. Welcome to Anxiety
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Addicts Bedtime Stories, an original podcast by Joe Newman and
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Morgan Walsh, serving up hot, mostly true, twenty minute stories
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to turn off your brain and turn on your ram.
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The stories come from all over the Internet, whispered late
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at parties and from you to the bs inbox. But
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your secrets are safe here. All names have been changed
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to protect the guilty, So please sit back, relax, and
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send us your stories at the link in the show
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notes and sweet dreams.
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Hi.
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Not sure how you got here, but welcome to Anxiety
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Addicts Bedtime Stories out. And this is where my best
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friend Morgan and myself find stories from all over the
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Internet and scour our inbox and take those embarrassing, ridiculous, horrible, cringey,
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wonderful moments and turn them into twenty minute bedtime stories
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that always have a happy ending. So thank you for
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being here, Sit back, relax and enjoy this time to
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turn off your brain. Now, Morgan and I disagree about
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some stories and whether or not they're funny.
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I am a huge fan of poop stories.
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Morgan doesn't love them.
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This is a good poop story. If poop stories are
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triggering to you, don't listen.
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To this one. But it's really, really, really funny.
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The flashback ruined the moment spectacularly. Mora's brain wasn't the
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most reliable engine. Sometimes it would stall on her when
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trying to do simple arithmetic, especially if someone was waiting
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impatiently for an answer. Then she couldn't add fourteen and
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twenty seven. But sometimes her brain was powerful beyond belief
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and reason and the laws of physics, actually, because at
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this particular moment in her life, it somehow made time
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stand still. She shifted her weight uncomfortably from one rainbow
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flip floped to the other, looking out past the dock
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at the seagulls circling the August New Hampshire sky.
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The loose threads of.
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The end of her cutoff jean shorts tickled her tan thighs.
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The sea breeze worked its way through a crop blonde hair,
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which disengaged itself. From behind her ear, there was Stephen
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in front of her, on not one but both of
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his knees, holding up a ring box as if.
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He were a Greek statue he'd said.
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The words they hung in the air like smoke escaping
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an oven.
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Will you marry me? He's proposing?
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Mora's brain was following up coherent thoughts like quicksand after
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which has happened?
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This couldn't be real.
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People didn't use expensive pieces of jewelry to suggest spending
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the rest of their lives with someone after what they
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had just experienced together. Mora's jaw hung uselessly from her face,
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her mouth gaping like a fish in the harbor below.
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She tried to ignore the small crowd which formed in
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the periphery of their proposal bubble, were people taking pictures.
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She looked into Stephen's brown eyes, which reflected the dark
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water behind them. His face was sweet, kind, half covered
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by the burly mountain manned beard which she found.
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So cute, and Cuddy's dive bar three years earlier.
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She tried to focus on those features, but her brain.
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Could not help but picture something much more disturbing.
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It all began the night before, at about seven pm.
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There had been a lot.
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Of excitement surrounding the upcoming trip to Maine. Their favorite
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Grateful Dead Cover band was playing on the wharf.
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The hotel was running.
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A special where you got your fourth night free, and
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the Crabshack was celebrating its annual and heavily advertised Crabfest,
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which was in all you can eat situation with views
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of the harbor. It's hard to rate which experience the
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young couple was the most excited about. Maura met Stephen
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their senior year of college. She had been bar attending
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at the loudest place in town and had a reputation
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that preceded her. It had something to do with tequila.
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With Mora's short blonde hair and eyelashes so long they
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touched the lenses of every pair of sunglasses she owned,
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she was a sight to behold, hovering somewhere.
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Just above five feet tall.
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She had this vibey mix of girl next door and
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possible hired assassin.
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She was from Boston.
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She wore a baseball hat all weekend and was the
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first one at a party ready to be tipped upside
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down and impressed with her kegstand.
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She could crush six bud lights.
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In an hour and still recite the preamble to the
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Constitution that she memorized in fifth grade. We the people
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of the United States, in order to form a more
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perfect union a step You get the gist, think of
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a young Amy Poehler.
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If you knew maur you were stoked. If you were
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in love with her, you were in a pickle.
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Unless you were the very lucky man whom she finally
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loved back.
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And this was Stephen.
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Stephen wasn't your average Massachusetts dude.
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He only looked like one.
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With his baggy old navy khaki cargo shorts, a Patriot's
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T shirt and.
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Red Sox baseball hat.
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You'd have a hard time picking him out of a
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lineup after a bar fight in Southeast But he was
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different to Mora.
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He was Indiana Jones.
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He was the reason for so much of her life discovery.
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He introduced her to books and philosophers as if you
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were Matt Damon in Goodwill hunting.
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He took her out to restaurants.
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And back alleys with the most obscure and divine dishes
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she'd ever tasted.
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And well, in bed, that was a whole nother story.
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We'll just give you the high level overview here.
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But Stephen taught more what heights of pleasure her body
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was capable of, and that would require a beach towel
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or two in the bed before they got down to it.
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They were quite the match, and this particular summer had
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been epic. Stephen had graduated with his masters, been accepted
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to his dream PhD program, and Mora was working.
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As a vettech in the nicest neighborhood in the Bay State.
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Life was good and they wanted to celebrate. A trip
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to Maine for both Crabfest and some obscure historical thing
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that Stephen was excited about was the perfect answer.
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But first crabs. The Crabshack was.
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Legendary among locals and the tourists lucky enough to stumble
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upon it, and the annualfest, those three nights of the
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summer where the stuff memories were made of whispered about
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and hangover stories and group chats for years to come.
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Mora was ready for it, but first an educational afternoon
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For a moment wandering through the historical buildings, she worried
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that the other history buffs on the tour could hear
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the grumblings of her empty stomach. That day, she'd sworn
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off all food until the crab Shack doors opened, and
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her fifty nine ninety nine all you can eat insanity
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was hers for the taking, but her stomach didn't know
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about that plan. She looked around at the other members
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of the group tour listening intently to the history of
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the colonization of the great State of Maine. She realized
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that she did not need to worry. The average age,
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even factoring in her and Stephen, had to be.
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Hovering right below ninety.
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There wasn't great odds of anyone's hearing being that good.
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The tour dragged on.
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Looking at even you would have thought he was a
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twenty five year old being taken on a private showing
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of the Playboy Mansion in nineteen seventy five. No, it
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was twenty twenty two, and he was just that excited
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about Nick Zoom Musket. Morris smiled to herself and thought,
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there is no better proof of love than me being here.
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In the next few hours, she would learn how wrong
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she was. She and Stephen followed the guide in their
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merry band of nanagenarians through the seventeen hundreds and into
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the next entry. She watched the love of her life
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hang on every word about the socio political clashes of
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New Englanders three hundred years earlier, and then she totally
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zoned out and thought about crabs until her brain was
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swimming in butter. They weren't the first ones in line
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at the crab shack, but they were close. The air
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was peppered with salt, the breeze cool coming off the Atlantic,
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and the mood about as happy as it could get.
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On that perfect August.
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Evening, the sam Adams flowed and the case had to
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be changed out twice before the sun even set. The
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plastic red and white checkered tablecloths were littered with crab
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shells and buckets of ignored corn on the cob.
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The rule was simple.
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All you had to do was finish the seafood on
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your plate. Then you'd raise the orange flag at the
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end of the table and a freshly stock plate would
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be in front of you before you could even finish
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your beer.
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Stephen was full after three Mourra was not.
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She was wholeheartedly committed to eating her body weight and
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crab and nothing was gonna stop her. Steven sat there, laughing,
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sipping his drink, and cheering on his tiny girlfriend as
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she went at it. God, she was cute, the thought
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rang through his head over and over, and she was
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even shoving her pretty mouthful of seafood, he could appreciate
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how adorable she was.
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Her hair was even lighter than usual.
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Due to the summer sun, and the freckles that spattered
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her nose gave more of this youthful quality that made
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him want to pick her up and bring him back
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to the hotel room immediately.
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As soon as Mara was.
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Too full to raise her flag for the final time,
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That's exactly what he did.
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They giggled through the town's cobblestone streets and through the
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lobby of the small hotel. Mare excused herself just long
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enough to brush her teeth and run a comb through
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her hair. Even with three years of dating history, she
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was still keeping the romance alive on her end, which
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didn't hold a candle to what Stephen did on his.
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Oh God, he was fun in the sack.
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As Maura laid on her back, her tan skinned the
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perfect contrast to the crisp, white sheets, she giggled and
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moaned in pure bliss, feeling the waterworks about to escape her.
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As Stephen did what he did so well, she tried
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to keep the noises to a whisper. It was an
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old hotel, and she was sure that the walls were thin,
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but seriously, this man was a master with a female body,
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and she couldn't hold it in anymore. Mora let out
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as her vision blurred to every color of the rainbow,
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the release from her body draining her of everything but happiness.
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Stephen lifted his.
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Head up, and when her eyes were finally able to
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focus on the site in front of her, she felt
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her body replace her feelings of ecstasy with those.
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Of utter horror.
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There was Stephen, his eyes bright but confused, his cheeks flushed,
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and his beard covered with the wrong kind of human juices,
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the wrong color, the wrong consistency. He looked like he'd
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just taken a swim at the jello pudding factory.
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Yeah, more had let go from the wrong hole.
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After consuming more crustaceans than any person her size had
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any rate to consume, and it was everywhere that beard
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that she'd fallen in love with three years ago.
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Oh boy, it looked like never mind.
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Oh my god, No, she yelled loud enough to be
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heard two blocks away.
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More.
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I look down at the love of her life, now
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covered in what should only exist within the confines of
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a toilet bowl, far from any other person, and really
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far from the person she was being intimate with.
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There was no option.
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Mora froze like an ice sculpture in Elsa's palace. She
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didn't move, as if making some promise to the universe
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that her stillness would somehow enable her brain's ability to
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just disappear. But much like adding fourteen and twenty seven,
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it was just not happening. Uh you I Unlike the diarrhea,
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the words would not come out.
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I'm gonna have to eat myself off the balcony was
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the only solution that Maura's brain would offer. There was
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no coming back from this.
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Her eyes focused on the new polka dots smattering the
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white bed sheets.
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Something had to be done.
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They couldn't just lie there, frozen and not do anything
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