One Wedding And No Funeral

0:04 To the restless, the insomniacs, the stressed out, the worried, and the board. This is for you. Welcome to Anxiety Addicts Bedtime Stories, an original podcast by Joe Newman and Morgan Walsh, serving up hot, mostly true, twenty minute stories to turn off your brain and turn on your ram. The stories come from all over the Internet, whispered late at parties and from you to the bs inbox. But your secrets are safe here. All names have been changed to protect the guilty, So please sit back, relax, and send us your stories at the link in the show notes and sweet dreams.

0:53 Oh Hi, I am so happy you're here. My name is Joe and this is Anxiety Addicts Bedtime Story, where my best friend Morgan Walsh and I take stories from all over the Internet, our inbox, and from weird phone calls that we have from our mothers about something that's going on in our small hometown, and we turn them into twenty minute bedtime stories. We make up all of the people, the places, and the defining characteristics, so it's generally anonymous unless I'm writing about Morgan, and then I definitely use her name. And we make these stories to help you turn off your brain, to stop the constant hamster wheel cycling of that thing that you said and that thing that you did, and that thing that you read in the newspaper this morning, and help you give your brain a soft landing place when you need it.

1:40 Maybe it's a night before you go to bed. Maybe it's at three am after you go pee and you go back to bed and you can't fall back asleep. Or maybe it's just that twenty minute drive at four thirty pm when everything else on the radio is stressing. You the hell out. So that's what we're here for. To help you chill, to help you tune out, to help you remember that we are all in this psychotic adventure called life together. I know that was so deep and meaningful. It's really really how I meant it. And I'm here to tell you that we are not experts. We are not here to cure your anxiety. We're here to give you a vacation from it. So here is a story from Ali Harding on TikTok. Ali is hilarious and sweet and amazing and wildly inspirational. This story has friendship, like really good, deep girl friendship. It has really good revenge, and then it has a really interesting way that some people found closure, and I thought it was really funny.

2:43 So sit back, relax, enjoy this one, and please tell your friends or your enemies we are just not that picky about us, and then we can keep on doing this fun thing where we tell you guys ridiculous stories. So enjoy. I'm going to tell you, guys, what's funny is that I look a lot better and more normal when I sit back a bit. But I'm almost forty three. Yay. Also, I have the blue light lens on these, and after I spent the extra money on them, the Internet says that it doesn't do anything.

3:27 Yay. We called the story Let's Define Petty, even though maybe we should rename it because I don't really think she's that petty. And I will say that reading the story and writing the story made me realize that I really missed some awesome chances at revenge, and I don't know that's too bad. I think revenge is underrated, especially for women. I don't think we do it enough. That's my life advice for the day. Okay, Ali's life plan did not explicitly include forgetting about her girlfriends when she had a boyfriend. She always loved her friends more than anything. Then you know puberty. She never specifically set out to make romantic relationships the sole purpose of her life and to drop everything else like a hot potato. She didn't mean to forget about her BFFs, her rider dies. She didn't mean to go radio silent on the group texts or be miia for the birthday trips or bachelorette parties or random girls weekends. But well it happened. You can blame social pressure, you can blame hormones.

4:40 You could even blame early two thousands rom coms for painting an unrealistic picture of romance and how much of your life it was meant to fill up. But for the purposes of. This story, we're going to start by blaming the boy with the curly hair. The curly haired boy was both the star of the lacrosse team and the first one to raise his hand and an ap lit. He liked to run along the river shirtless with his golden retriever and no joke decided to bring his eighty eight year old grandmother to the prom. When Curly slipped a copy of Ray Bradbury's Dandelion Wine into Alley's locker. He'd altered the book throughout, He'd highlighted dozens of lines. When these melodic phrases were strung together, it made the most romantic love poem ever formulated inside the walls of John F.

5:30 Kennedy High School in southern Georgia. At the end, he'd written his phone number. It might be unnecessary to point this out, but yeah, it worked. Also, we're pretty sure this is when Curly peaked. So when we tell you that three years of Ali's life was all but singularly devoted to the Curly Boy, you understand why. As Ray Bradbury said, he stood entranced not by her face, but by the way the. Sunlight lived in her hair. And she was equally as entranced. But there were three people in Macon who were not quite. As into this relationship. Their names were Raquel, Sydney, and Penelope, and they were Ali's best of best friends. The girls had been a foursome since they were in diapers and swore up and down every chance they got that they would never let a man come between them, and Alie certainly did not hold up her end of this childhood both, but because they were real true devoted once in a lifetime friends, they never let her go. Even when Ali spent most of her class time doodling her first name with Curly's last and her history book, they still invited her out for bonfires and burgers. Even when they all went to different colleges, the girls still made Ali meet up with them during breaks, even when Curly unceremoniously dumped her on Christmas Eve, where Quel, Sydney and Penelope were there sitting under the tree emotionally eating in solidarity Ali's mom's famous gingerbread cookies and her childhood basement during Christmas break. Now

7:03 the heartbreak was palpable. Ali's twenty year old self couldn't handle it. She tried to plaster a smile on her face, throw herself into her schoolwork and the gym, but her heart wasn't in it. Her girlfriends planned an epic spring break to give them all a chance to reconnect and for Ali to finally get her mind off of the Curly cuebid, and it. Worked, but not in the way that any of them were expecting. On the first night of the all inclusive resort in Cankuo, the girl's drink enough Margarita is to enter the karaoke contest. Ali was not a bad singer. In fact, in another life or in Nashville, she probably had the chops to pursue it professionally. But now wearing an orange sarong and sporting an untrustworthy BAC, she found herself on the makeshift beach stage, belting out up where we belong with the unc senior, who had a Zane Malick thing going on. From that moment forward, the girls barely saw their no longer heartbroken friend. Turned out that a new fresh love was the only cure for Ali's heartbreak.

8:11 This relationship was a bit more serious. It wasn't long before Ali transferred to North Carolina to be. Closer to Sean, although no. One in her life could get a handle on whether or not he was actually graduating. Sean wasn't old enough to have invented love bombing, but he sharees hell acted like he did. It was more than date nights and roses, chocolates and notes. There was that too, but Sean went all in. There was a puppy for their three month anniversary and it had two of her initials. On their five month and in six months he asked her to move into his off campus apartment with him. Nothing could extinguish the stars in Ali's eyes. Raquel, Sidney, and Penelope agreed that they had no interest in raining on Allie's parade, but fuck fuck, she wasn't coming home for Christmas break that year. Instead, she was going to Shawn's house, an hour away from their hometown that year, not that anybody was counting kidding, Oh.

9:13 My god, they were so counting. Ali canceled on birthdays, late weekends, and even just a bar night over Thanksgiving Break. Raquel was especially hurt, so happy or having a good time. She texted at one am after leaving Shaughnessy's bar with her girls and the one fun gay guy who'd come out of the closet since high school and knew all the hot local gossip. She was not happy that Ali wasn't there to get dressed together. The girls missed her while putting on fake eyelashes and drinking boxed wine and Raquel's family's finished basement. They missed her. While getting beers at the Irish pub where they'd all tried out their fake id's for the first time all those years earlier. They missed Allie's snark and sense of humor, and her ability to get revenge on absl anyone without them even knowing it. She was the sprinkles on their friendship birthday cake. Let me guess, she wrote back, Sydney drawled.

10:11 Nobody knew where Sydney had adopted her thick Southern accent, but it was deep and real and hijacked her speech patterns on her third glass of the night, like clockwork. If she writes back, it's because she's having sex with him. Penelope was not the biggest fan of Sean. It was hard to tell if it was legitimately personal or just because he'd stolen the second funniest member of their friend group. Penelope had recently gotten into improv so she was holding tight to the winner of that title. She'll come back, said Raquel, fumbling with the bar matches. She technically wasn't a smoker, but had bummed a Marlborough light one hundred from an older lady smoking outside the barn, heavily embellished jeans and now here. She was barely able to light the extra long stick protruding from her glossy lips. We're a team or like a pot or what did they call it in science class, mutualism, like we're all these individual organisms, but together were like something else. Penelope involuntarily choked on her laughter. Rock, Seriously, did you even pass that class? Everyone knew she didn't. Raquel managed to get her cigarette lit and blew out a cloud of smoke before trying to stifle her coughing.

11:24 She was saved by the bell. A ding on her phone alerted the girls to Allie's tax. Yeah, she was definitely having sex. Penelope was none. Too thrilled by the image. She says she'll try to come home for a night or two over Christmas, maybe even New Year's. The girls smiled to each other. Tightly as they walked to Raquel's house, with elbows linked and a gross old lady cigarette passed between the three of them. This is sort of how things went for the next five years. Ali was always invited, always included, always loved and called and part of things. But then I sort of missing. Eventually, Sewn proposed, and Penelope cried.

12:05 Henceforth she vanishes from us stage entirely. Penelope had moved on from improv and had gotten her MFA and Shakespearean something or other, and this was her new personality. Raquel shook her head, zooming out from the closed up picture of the engagement ring that Ali had just set. The group text bless her heart, I'll always love her, but Lord have mercy that wedden's going to be the grand finale of our friendship. Sydney was on her second martini of the night, and her southern drawl was center stage. They had graduated from nights at Shaughnessy's and now preferred to get tipsy at the little tapas placed on the other side of town. It turned out that the southern. Belt eked out of Sydney's mouth back then after three glasses of box wine, but now it only took two martinis.

12:51 Requ swiped the picture up so she wouldn't have to look at it anymore. Penelope was already looking at cute wedding outfits. A last to the market. We must go perchance. Sean has a companion less steeped in douchebaggery, but the girls never had to buy their wedding outfits. It didn't take long. For Alli to get suspicious of Sean's late nights, guarded phone calls and mysterious credit card receipts Jammed into his golf shorts. She left him, found a decent job and apartment, and moved her broken heart back home near her girls, and spent the next year reeling from the whirlwind of ill fated romance. I lived my life for him, Ali fumed into her Espressomartini. Now that she was back in the pack for Ladies' night and you, she turned meaningful to Raquel, Sidney and Penelope. You never forgot about me.

13:43 You've always been there for me. I love you, girls. Sydney raised her glass. Here's the legs in the air, hands in my hair, and praying the neighbors don't care. Nobody knew where she was getting the shit. Penelope nodded. It was her turn to. Passion, unbridled, pros unedited, and men who exit stage left when their part is done. Requel snorted, who are you too? But she knew exactly who they were and loved her weirdo friends to infinity and beyond. These were the nights best friends were made for. Ali couldn't believe she'd left her girls hung. Up to dry. Why had she been soul blinded by love? Somewhere deep in the back of her mind, she promised, herself that she would make it up to them, but she wasn't sure how.

14:28 These were her. Besties, her rider dies, the girls who had stuck with her through it all. She owed them more than a trip to the mall or a spa day. She owed them what. Ali thought about it for months. She thought about it on her evening runs, her morning smoothies, and the countless affirmations reinforcing her self worth that she'd saved on her camera roll from Instagram scrolling. But she couldn't come up with something concrete, and it nagged at her. Not that Raquel, Sydney or Penelope expected anything, but she needed to show her gratitude. Ali was well aware that these kinds of friends were special and she should not have taken them for granted. It didn't matter how often she drunkenly professed her appreciation for them in dimly lit restaurant bathrooms. Ali still wanted to do something big, special and memorable, and like all fabulous opportunities, she had to wait exactly a year, and funnily enough, she was alone that day when the idea came in the mail. It was an oversized pink envelope printed with cursives, so curly.

15:29 It was borderline illegible. While Ali's eyes glazed over the return address, she forced back tears as she ripped the cart open. And somehow, because the world had already proved itself to be an unreliable and crazy place, she almost wasn't surprised by its contents. Yes, it was a wedding invitation from Sean and the receptionist at his job, with whom he'd been cheating on Ali for just about the entirety of their relationship. Ali called Raquel. I went on the website an rsvpede. They must have accidentally put me in for five people. I don't know, but I did it, and y'all are coming, damn right we are. Something about this felt very very right to recount.

16:15 It didn't take long for the group chat to blow the fuck up. In between Shakespeare classes, Penelope was already shopping, specifically for something very very low cut. To the racks. Dear Wench's, mine shall be the most illustrious cleavage of the realm. The shopping was just the start of it. There was something about this particular event that lit a certain fire under the friend group. Maybe it was simply. An excuse to party Maybe it was a special opportunity for the girls to be there for each other. Maybe it was the undeniable element of revenge. We don't know. What we do know is that that is where the magic happened. The day of the wedding was just as anxiety ridden and memorable for our gaggle of girls as it was for the actual wedding party. For old time's sake, the friend group descended upon Raquel's parents' house to get ready.

17:09 This time, the wine was in bottles and the snacks were from Whole Foods. The girls spared no expense. The dresses were hot, the makeup immaculate, and the hair impressibly coughed. They were just adding a little boob tape in perfume the finishing touches. When the doorbell rang, well, now, Sugar, who we waiting on? Sydney was definitely in a good mood. A sly smile crept across Ally's face as she hurried to the door, her blue satin skirt wishing about her ankles. She opened it and there on the other side was the nicest looking boy next door. You could imagine, think Zach from Save by the Bell, Allie Bobby Raquel's, Sydney and Penelope rushed to join their friend. So ladies, Allie's pride at her setup was lightly through her green eyes.

18:02 This is Bobby. Bobby was dating Sean's fiance. She cheated on him too, thanks Internet. And after that intro, it took Bobby seven minutes to clean the lipstick off of his cheeks. Oh, he was the party favor that Ali's friends had been waiting for. A rush of plans followed Bobby's arrival. They made a pack to limit their drinking. There would be no outbursts, no scenes, no drunken Southern grandmothers or spiteful Shakespearean wenches. There would be no scorned woman or angry exes. They would simply attend, make minimal small talk, eat the most expensive food, and then stare uncomfortably while the bride and groom took their first dance.

18:48 And every single one of them was true to their word, and damn did they have fun doing it. Allie's axe had definitely invited her on purpose, and that purpose was to rub his marriage in her face, with the expectation that she would never in a million years have the balls to show up. But she did show up with four friends looking amazing. Raquel, Penelope, and Sydney were the fairy godmothers to her Cinderella. The ladies took over the dance floor, drank the party out of their champagne supply, and Ali congratulated her ex and his mistress on their vows of holy matrimony, and then joined Bobby on the dance floor. Well aware of the holes they stared through her well hand back, she smiled at Bobby. It wasn't exactly revenge, was it.

19:37 It was something else closure. Maybe it was a night with her best friends that she'll never forget. It was free food and inside jokes and the power of togetherness, and it was funny. Alli amused to herself. She had more fun at Sean's wedding than Sean looked like he did himself, and she owed it all to her best friends and her new friend, Bobby. The best photo from that night is framed in every one of the girl's bedrooms. We don't know. About Bobby, and it turns out, after a little Facebook stocking, that Sean and his new wife's marriage didn't last a year. Not that Alli cares. She's got her people, and that you insomniacs is what best friends are for.

20:22 Sweet Dreams and if you. Liked this, please rate, subscribe, and share with the people who you like, don't like, We don't care. Good night. Thanks for listening to anxiety addicts bedtime stories. We're here to help you take your mind off whatever is making you spiral by listening to a story about someone else's hilarious or mortifying experience, and we know you have your own.

21:18 Please DM or email your stories of bad decisions, miscommunications, and Murphy's law. Your support helps us keep doing what we love and don't forget to like, rate and subscribe, and as always, Sweet Dreams. This episode was written and recorded by Joe Newman, with editing and sound designed by Morgan Walsh.