Into The Wild

0:04 To the restless, the insomniacs, the stressed out, the worried, and the board. This is for you. Welcome to Anxiety Addicts Bedtime Stories, an original podcast by Joe Newman and Morgan Walsh, serving up hot, mostly true, twenty minute stories to turn off your brain and turn on your ram. The stories come from all over the Internet, whispered late at parties and from you to the bs inbox. But your secrets are safe here. All names have been changed to protect the guilty, So please sit back, relax and send us your stories at the link in the show notes and sweet dreams.

0:54 Hi, I'm Joe, and this is Anxiety Adics Bedtime Stories and Welcome to our weird little corner of the Internet, which, if you look at the rest of the Internet, isn't very weird, but where we help people who are spiraling, who are freaked out, who are looking at worst case scenarios, who can't go to sleep, you can't calm down, who can't just stop the noise and focus to give you a way to take a moment and relax. That's really what we're here for. So we scour the internet, we look at our inbox, which is completely crazy and we take stories of people doing insane, funny, embarrassing, sometimes awful, humiliating, ridiculous things and turn them into twenty minute bedtime stories, always with the happy ending to help you relax, unplug, unwind, and sort of turn off the insanity of your own head and turn into the insanity of somebody else's, which somehow makes you feel better, or at least it makes us feel better, and we hope it makes you feel better.

1:51 And that's where we are. But tonight we will worry about whether or not this actually makes anybody feel better, and it will become a whole thing, because that's how our brains work. Anyway, today's story is very funny, and it is not the only story of some crazy white lady rescuing an animal. So if that is your jam, we hope you enjoy this. Sit back, relax and enjoy the show. Sarah's heart was so big it almost killed her. Not literally, well kind of literally. It wasn't like a medical condition with some horrible prognosis. It was mostly bad decisions, really well horrible decisions decisions made with the need to save, slash love, slash rescue anything with fur or paws or scales, or a snout, mammals, birds, amphibians. Her compassion was more or less limitless, and Sarah had another issue affecting her heart Okay again not her literal heart, and that was lack of fear. There wasn't much that Sarah was afraid of.

3:00 She would tell you that she was afraid of mold. She once listened to a podcast about black mold and now believes that it is responsible for the majority of health problems on this planet. This isn't a story about molt. We just thought if we said, oh, Sarah isn't afraid of anything, you'd say that's bullshit. Everyone is afraid of something, and if you tell me she's not afraid of anything, we will not follow you on her journey because she isn't a relatable character. So, yeah, mold. Sarah worked in it. It was a large office and she had two cubicles because Michael Godarman got fired and management was distracted by some building issue, so no one moved into his desk space.

3:41 After a month of staring at the waste of square footage, Sarah surreptitiously brought in a large glass tank and inn iguana. Someone left in a cardboard box outside of the Goodwill with a cardboard sign that said free to a good home. Sarah knew that this also meant free to a bad home. So Karma the chameleon. She didn't know if this was really a chameleon, spent thirty five minutes in the back of her Toyota Corolla while she found almost all of the supplies she thought she needed right there on the Goodwill. Now this wasn't a crazy move, it was a smart one. This was Sarah's reasoning. Obviously, the reptile needed a climate controlled environment and hand delivered crickets. But also, maybe less obviously to the outside observer, was that Sarah, six weeks prior, had rescued an orange tabby cat from behind the dumpster at the local Kroger. It was somehow both starving in fat.

4:39 Sarah didn't put this together until Garfield gave birth to six kittens. She had also thought the cat was a male. Anyway, there were now seven additional animals living in her and her very understanding husband, Joel's two bedroom townhouse. It wasn't that she was worried about Joel knopping into Karma. It was more the worried about gar looking at the chameleon as food. Anyway, Michael Gotarman's office seemed like the perfect home for this quiet and unobtrusive animal, and Sarah wasn't stupid about it. Nope, she knew where to draw the line. A whole eleven minutes earlier, she'd been taking a gander at Facebook after an entire, excruciating morning of data entry, and had typed, oh, I wish I could under a post asking for someone to foster three buff Orpington chickens.

5:28 This kind of self restraint was especially impressive because she had taken the time to google the breed, and it turned out that they are widely considered the friendliest of backyard chicken breeds. This was not an easy offer for Sarah to decline, but Garfield wasn't going to have any more self control over himself sorry herself with friendly chickens than she would have had with a lizard, And even in Sarah's very interesting brain, she doubted that she'd be able to keep chickens in Michael Gotarman's office without the whole I apartment knowing, Sarah briefly considered moving. That's when her work phone rang. It was sort of an event, the beige landline with the giant number buttons was basically a dust collector. All work communications existed through email, All office gossip took place next to the vending machines, and all of the interesting personal business went through Sarah's cell phone.

6:24 At a staff meeting, trying to pretend she hadn't dozed off, Sarah once asked why the company still kept the landlines ring. Apparently the internet was cheaper with the additional service. This made no sense to Sarah. It also shouldn't have made any sense to an IT company, but that is the way things work. It wasn't exactly Sarah's dream job. She just hadn't felt the right kind of push to make the right kind of move. This is what happens when you're twenty eight ring. You're old enough to be tired of people's shit, but young enough to hold onto a good chunk of optimism. Hey, maybe this place would get better, and the addition of Karma to her cubicle had been quite nice.

7:05 Yes. Hey, if the best part of your job is the illegally harbored chameleon in the neighboring cubicle, that could be a sign that you need to start going on some interviews stat but again, Sarah just wasn't quite there. Ring. She looked around at her beige space and side. Then she picked up the phone, anxious to mess with who she was sure would be a telemarketer on the other end. There were only so many available options for entertainment during the workday. Jim spermbanky, smack it, we pack it, Sarah speaking, how may I help you? This is one of Sarah's favorite lines. She had five others to rotate through and not nearly enough opportunities to employ them. Yes, you get it.

7:49 Sarah was bored. She just somehow didn't know it yet. Sarah, what in the actual fuck? It was? Joel, Sarah's husband. He knew her better than she knew herself. What if this was an actual work call? Sarah cradled the receiver between her chin and shoulder and log back onto Facebook to check out the chickens again. It would be a scheduled Zoom, Joel, I haven't had a work call in forever? What's up? Sarah looked at the top of her screen. Two more hours until lunch. It was like this office was part of some Twilight Zone episode where you're entered, and then time just stood still. I'm worried about Hokey Pokey and Harold. Joel had not been exactly thrilled about the surprise of Garfield being a girl and giving birth to six children, but actions spoke louder than words, and there he was waking up at four am to supplement bottle feed the three smallest mewing babies, and now calling Sarah in the middle of the workday to discuss it.

8:47 You didn't answer my texts. We're not supposed to have our phones on during work hours, Sarah whispered into the phone. Sarah, you have a fucking iguana living in the fired guy's cubicle. Since when are you following the rules? Sarah briefly considered her wonderful husband's logic. Also, she thought it was a chameleon. But isn't that the thing about chameleons, because they can be anything. Her existential thought process was interrupted. What's with the boys? Joel worked from home and was now in fully committed cat dad mode. It seems like Garfield isn't giving them as much attention as the girls. This broke Sarah's heart. She never liked stories about parents playing favorites, even if it was an alley cat, whom she'd initially misgendered.

9:34 I don't know, Joel, maybe switch them out, move the girls to the tub with the heating pad and obviously lots of blankets, and give the boys some time with just him, I mean her. Joel agreed that this was a smart move, enthusiastically agreed that they should not adopt three chickens, and then told her that they should go out for Chinese since they really hadn't had a parent's night out since the kids were born. That's when Sarah's email notifications dinged. She would need to work late why someone didn't save an original file, and for the first time, a thought flitted through Sarah's brain, I think I need to get out of here. She made plans of Joel, vowed not to eat chicken, and got back to the somewhat mindlessly busy work that consumed the majority of her days.

10:16 By the time the stupid document was reformatted, fixed, color coded, and saved to the company's drive, all the gray matter in Sarah's brain felt like mush. The parking lot was dark and dreary. The mist falling from the sky seemed like it was coming from all directions. She hurried to her toyota, feeling the droplet's form on her hair and eyelashes. This was not the night to be working late. This was the night to be on the couch with a hot toddy and watching TV reruns about another office where people in cubicles also did very little work. Sarah's mind drifted as she threw her backpack in the passenger seat and drove away from the drab building she'd been working at for almost four years. She opened the sun room for some fresh air, not minding the few drops falling from the sky. She wasn't thinking about anything in particular.

11:05 She merged onto the larger state road that would take her into town. She wasn't even thinking about dinner, even though she was quite hungry. She was wondering about the kittens and the chickens, and made a mental note to get Karma some more crickets and get to the office early before anyone saw that she was sneaking in insects to feed her legal reptile. And that's what made it all the more surprising. When she drove on the road, snaking left before it turned into a small bridge through the light rain. She saw a dog, a dog with big eyes, a brilliantly pretty tail, and a skinny body, all shaking in the cold night air. There wasn't a cell in Sarah's body that hesitated. She pulled her Corolla over to the right hand shoulder and parked with the hazards on. She and the dog locked eyes. Those eyes, those big, brown, shining pools of longing. This dog had been waiting for her, She knew it. The fur around its large snout glistened with the wet night air. Sarah felt the familiar swell of her heart, the way she always did when rescuing an animal in need. She could practically hear the sad but hopeful classical music playing in the background, narrating this emotional scene of her life. She put the car in park, leaving her headlights on the Corolla on a slight hilp. She balanced the driver's side door so the dog would have the option to get into the car on its own. Sarah thought things through.

12:31 The door wanted to swing shut, and it took her a minute to hold it in the right place to stay open. It only took a minute for her to get completely drenched. Hey, little Pup, Pup, she called, trudging through the rocks and mud on the road's shoulder. Pop, pup, it's okay. I'll get you home. Everything won't be all right. Sarah had this voice that she used around scared animals that they all seemed to respond to. She was convinced she'd mastered a secret language because it always worked. As she walked further and further from her car, she became more and more satisfied that she was right about this very, very special skill because the skinny, skittish dog stopped, turned and looked at her again. Oh you cute little pup pup, Just come with me. Everything will be okay. Sarah's tone was like a meditation. It's the voice that had lured a starving Garfield into her kitchen, the voice that had allowed her to approach countless animals throughout the years. Hell, it might even have been the voice that had made Joel notice her all those years ago. She stopped, so did the dog. Then it took a step towards her, and then another one. The headlights barely stretched that far, but she could make out his furry face. What big eyes you have, buddy, What a big nose slowly, its lip curled and the dog let out an almost guttural growl.

13:58 And then, because even in a moment where her life may have been online, Sarah still had a sense of humor, she continued, and what big teeth you have, before spinning on her heel and sprinting to the Toyota. The dog ran after her at a speed that did not seem possible for a scared and hungry stray. She hauled it back to her vehicle, jumping in the driver's side. With the dog quite literally nipping at her heels, its lithe body managed to follow her in before the door slammed itself shut. Sarah leaped over the console to the passenger side and dove out onto the rocky ground. She jumped up and took stock of the situation. In the cold, dark, wet night, There was now a rabid stray dog locked in her car. The yelps and growls emanating from the inside of the sedan made the hair on the back of her neck stand straight up. Well, first things first, she said out loud, hoping that the soothing tone would have the same effect on her mental state that it did on all those ran animals, and so she did what you would do. She climbed up onto the roof, reached her arm down. Yes, in retrospect, this was very, very dumb, and quickly manually opened the passenger door. The dog flew out of the car, growling angrily, tossing its head, looking everywhere for its enemy. Luckily, it was not big enough or well versed enough in the modern world to have known that its intended prey was lying on top of its car. After a minute of pacing the side

15:29 of the road, it bound back into the bushes. When Sarah's heart slowed to a less life threatening beat, she crawled down across the hood and made her way back into the Corolla. The car was absolutely covered in mud, the interior punctured with teethmarks, scratches, and stunk to the absolute high heavens with a smell that Sarah to this day cannot even begin to describe. She turned on her ignition, fished her phone out of her back pocket, called Joel, I might be a little late to dinner over vegetable lomade. Sarah kept her promise regarding the chicken. Sarah explained the whole ordeal to her very supportive husband, who kept asking over and over if she was full of shit, No, Sarah exclaimed. Joel pulled out his phone and typed something into the image search. The dog looked like this, he asked, pointing to the search results. How did he know Sarah didn't hesitate? Oh my god, twins. Joel took a deep breath and shook his head. Sarah, that was a fucking coyote.

16:46 Oh, Sweet Dreams, this is the fucking guyot. And loll of them have brabies. We careful out there, guys. Thanks for listening to anxiety addicts bedtime stories. We're here to help you take your mind off whatever is making you spiral by listening to a story about someone else's hilarious or mortifying experience, and we know you have your own.

17:36 Please DM or email your stories of bad decisions, miscommunications, and Murphy's Law. Your support helps us keep doing what we love and don't forget to like, rate and subscribe, and as always, Sweet Dreams. This episode was written and recorded by Joe Newman, with editing and sound designed by Morgan Walsh.