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To the restless, the insomniacs, the stressed out, the worried,
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and the board. This is for you. Welcome to Anxiety Addicts.
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Bedtime Stories, an original podcast by Joe Newman and Morgan Walsh,
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serving up hot, mostly true, twenty minute stories to turn
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off your brain and turn on your ram. The stories
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come from all over the Internet, whispered late at parties
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and from you to the bs inbox. But your secrets
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are safe here. All names have been changed to protect
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the guilty. So please sit back, relax, and send us
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your stories at the link in the show. Notes and
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sweet dreams.
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Oh my god, it took me forever to get myself
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in front of this camera today because it is so
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nasty out and just so like ough, and I just
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want to be in bed, so I can't work. And
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then I was like, well, what's the ideal weather situation
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to allow me to work? And that high maintenance and
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I'm like, oh, I can't work when it's nice out
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because I just want to be outside and play. So
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I am a non contributing member to society and I
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don't ever want to do anything. I think is what
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I've learned from this. Oh my god, you guys. Sorry
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I didn't introduce myself. I'm Joe and if you have
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followed me, I'm my best friend Morgan. Here to this
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weird little corner of the Internet where we take true stories,
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very short true stories, and then we build a whole
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world around them and create twenty minute bedtime stories to
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help you take your brain off of whatever you're spiraling about,
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whether it be Thanksgiving or the weather, or your purpose
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on this planet or something light like that.
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That's where we like to go.
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We're here for you, and if you want to be
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here for us, it would be awesome if you would
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like and subscribe and rate and tell your friends, and
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tell the people you work with, and tell the people
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you don't like and the people you'd like, and the
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people on the gymnastics team and the hockey team and.
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Whatever else your day consists of. Why not? So this
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story is called the Dead Auntie Society, which kind of
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gives it away but also doesn't. And also my favorite
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part about the story is the last third. So I
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don't know where you are on this, but sit back, relax,
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or just put your headphones in and do some laundry,
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or take your dog on a walk or hide the
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earphones and go into a room where you would rather
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hear my voice on anybody else's. I'm sure that happens
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all the time. I feel like that's going to be
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really popular popular option here for our listeners. Okay, ready,
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this is called Dead Auntie Society.
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Enjoy.
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It's hard to imagine what life was like one hundred
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and four and a half years ago when Patricia eleanor
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Tomlinson screamed her way into this world. Auntie Pete, as
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she later became known to just about everyone, was born
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in nineteen twenty one. That was the first year that
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the World Series was broadcast over the radio, when the
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tuberculosis vaccine was invented, the year Wonderbread launched into American kitchens,
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and Edith Wharton became the first woman to win the Pulitzer.
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With the age of innocence, obviously, life was a lot different.
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Auntie Pee grew up, never married, but stayed in the
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Saint Louis area. Like the rest of her extended family.
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There were a lot of them. She believed that most
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of them were not the brightest bulbs on the tree,
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but she did have a soft spot for Connor, her
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niece's son, Connor, for his part, was a curly haired
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goofball who was starved for gossip in his own home,
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so he would ride his bike halfway around the block
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to Auntie Pea's. There, he would drink water with a
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splash of gin as soon as he turned fifteen, and
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would park himself on her ancient sofa and listen intently
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to who was cheating in her lady's bridge game and
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who did what with whom in the Saint Louis in
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the nineteen thirties. He loved both genres. After Auntip would
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spill the tea, they would watch Hitchcock movies until Connor's
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mom would call and demand he get his keyster home
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for bed. Going to bed after watching Psycho was never easy.
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They had a bond. He adored her and let her
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know it. She adored him and let him know it
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by telling him how much she disliked many of the
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other family members. It was a perfectly symbiotic relationship, but
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Aunti P could still surprise him. When Connor was about
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twenty three, having graduated with a degree in fashion design
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and in a happy and committed relationship with his first boyfriend, Harley,
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Aunti P announced to her favorite and now favorite adjacent
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family that she was going to invite everyone over for Thanksgiving.
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The boys were taking her to a doctor's appointment in
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Harley's immaculate Lexus. To say Auntip loved this treatment would
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have been an understatement. To be fair, this woman was
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one hundred and four and a half. She herself had
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been driven home from the delivery hospital in a Ford
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Model T with no seat belts. No joke, but Auntie P.
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Harley piped up from the driver's seat. He'd been invited
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to her duplex with open arms. She didn't like many
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different groups of people, but apparently she liked the LGBTQA plusers.
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It was not the greeting he was expecting. It could
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be hard to know how old people felt about being gay.
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Auntip didn't care about his gender in the slightest. She
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cared that he was a sharp dresser, was good to
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her Connor, and was absolutely won over when she saw
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his car. It was a very new Lexus and that
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was enough. Yeah, yes, st Auntip was staring out the
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window at a hipster smoking a vape. She shook her
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head in disgust, but Connor had a real question, why
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do you want to invite the whole family. Do you
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really mean everybody? You don't like everybody? Auntie p nodded
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her head in agreement. She was not the one to
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challenge the truth. I had my reasons, and anti Pe
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readjusted her giant iris aptal esque sunglasses and smiled. That
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was Auntie pea code for being done with the conversation.
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The boys parked and escorted her to her appointment in
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the large medical complex. Harley stole a wheelchair from the lobby,
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and they raced her down the hallways fast enough to
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get yelled at by not one, but four hospital personnel.
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They didn't care. They knew how to have a good time.
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Here's the thing, said the doctor, squinting at the X
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ray through his wire framed glasses. Of course your back hurts.
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There's a fraction in your spine. On tip sniffed at
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the doctor. He was seventy five years younger than her,
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which isn't to say that she didn't respect younger people's opinions.
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She just didn't respect his. But I didn't fall your honor.
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Only Connor and Harley could detect the smile behind her
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sty lottered lips. Ma'am, you don't have to call me.
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The boys tried not to chuckle at the visibly ruffled internest.
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I just don't.
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Think that well. Bones are supposed to last this long.
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Antip chewed on her dentures. She was used to this
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body falling apart. I needed to work a little bit longer,
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your majesty, until I decide I'm done. Then I'll be gone. Poof.
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Auntip watched an invisible cloud of smoke disappear from her
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frail hands. She frowned a chip in her manicure. Oh well,
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you see. The doctor looked frantically from one gate to
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the other, but Connor and Harley were enjoying the entertainment
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too much to interrupt this scene. The doctor managed to
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get some words out. I don't really think it works
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that way, auntiep hrunst like only a centagenarian can do,
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and signaled to the boys to wheel her out of
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the office. I'll let you know personally, she called back,
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her voice reminding Connor of the sound of bubble wrap
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that's already been popped. As she settled into her seat
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in the Lexus, she pulled her notepad out of her purse,
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handing both it and a pen she stole from Denny's
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to Connor, let's make a list. Thanksgiving is going to
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be memorable this year. The boys shared a look in
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the rear view mirror. Sweet potatoes, bread, rosemary, cranberries, sugar,
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the real kind. Connor started writing, I will get the
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pie ingredients and Connor will make them. Auntie Pe, why
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don't I just bring the pies to your house? Auntie
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P shut Eye down into her favorite nephew because I
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said so. Connor knew enough to shut the f up,
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clicked the stolen Denny's pen back on and continued to
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transcribe Auntip's orders. A turkey for twenty two, No. Twenty five,
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No twenty seven. No, Connor could not keep his mouth closed.
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I think there's only twenty six of us. Just write
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down what I say. Neither Connor nor Harley caught it,
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but Auntip's eyes twinkled. Auntie P had become very good
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at a few things since she turned one hundred. One
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was watching daytime TV. Another was delegating. Never mind the
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fact that neither Connor nor Harley had agreed to cooking
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the massive family feast, They were each already quite busy
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holding down full time jobs. That didn't stop their phones
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from ringing in the weeks leading up to Turkey Day
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at any given point, starting at six thirty am until
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exactly eight forty five pm, when auntip finished her martini
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and called it a night. Before Harley's alarm had even dinged,
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his phone buzzed with Auntiepa's contact Harley, I need you
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to make sure my good floral dress is cleaned and pressed.
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Harley had not been expecting such a formal dinner. I
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feel like your family always wears jeans, he asked, groggily,
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reaching for his glasses, digging himself out of dreamland. I
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will be looking my best. I don't care what the
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rest of you do. And just as fast as Auntie
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p had woken him up, she was off the line.
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The calls continued like this for weeks. At exactly noon
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on Thanksgiving Day, Connor and Harley opened Antipa's door. They'd
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set the table the night before, carrying out instructions to
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use the nice plates and dust off the silver. Connor
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made a roaring fire in the living room, Harley put
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on show tunes, and the house was soon toasty and
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filled with all the right smells. The old lady and
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the gaze. All dressed to the nines were polite. As
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the mudroom began to pile high with boots and family
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members from all over town filled the house. Connor pulled
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a magazine looking turkey out of the oven and looked
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over to Auntip for approval. Aunty P looked at her watch.
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That's right, she said, Now you let it rest for
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twenty minutes. Put the rest of the dishes on the sideboard,
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and Connor, you and your cousin Eli come get me
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when that timer goes off. I'm gonna go have a
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little lie down. Connor hadn't liked cousin Eli since he
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made fun of his new corduroy pants a decade prior,
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and frowned. Harley caught the look and took his boyfriend's elbow.
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You can't hold a grudge this long. Look at him.
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He has no style. Connor grudgingly agreed to not hold
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a grudge and set the timer on his arms counter.
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When it dinged, he called into the living room above
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the cocophony of the battle Hawks game, dinner's ready, and then,
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still with a little grudge left in his hand, he
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tapped cousin Eli's shoulder. Let's go get her. The boys
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walked up the creaking stairs and knocked gently on Auntiepe's door.
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There was no answer. Auntie Pe Connor called the room
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was silent. Connor crept up to her armchair and turned
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it around. The site wasn't as bad as the scene
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in Psycho, but that was because she had just died.
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What do you mean she's did? Connor and Eli shrugged
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at Auntie Susan, still in a state of shock and
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out of breath from running down the stairs. Harley took
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the news delivery with more gravity than the others. She
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is no longer alive. Connor tried not to laugh to himself.
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Auntie P often commented about how slow Susan was on
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the uptake. I'm coming nine one one, Susan screamed, above
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the family's commotion. She rushed to the phone, a breath
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away from fully hyperventilating, and dialed nine one one with
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the aplome of an almost forty actress who has long
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awaited her close up. Auntie P had the volume up
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on the receiver turned as high as humanly possible, which
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meant all twenty something people packed into the Tomlinson kitchen
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could overhear the entirety of the conversation. It went something
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like this, nine one one, what's your emergency? Susan's breath
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came out like it was riding on a chainsaw. Well,
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our Auntie appears to be deceased. Susan vomited up the
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news as if she expected God to screech the world
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to a halt. Needless to say, she was grossly disappointed
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by the professional response. Is she breathing? What is the
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nature of the accident? No, I don't. I don't think
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she's breathing. Susan looked around the kitchen like a feral
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animal assessing danger.
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Cut her.
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Is she breathing now?
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Look?
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Connor was mostly devastated. Unfortunately or fortunately, he had a
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wickedly good sense of humor, and it didn't take much
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distance for him to silently acknowledge the absurdity of the situation. No,
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aunt Susan, she's not breathing. That's how we know she died.
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She looks peaceful, though. Aunt Susan shot daggers with her
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eyes through Connor's skull. That was apparently not the answer
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she was looking for. She is not breathing, Auntie. Susan
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yelled loudly enough into the phone to cause both the
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dispatcher and her colleagues irreparable ear damage. Ma'am, was there
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an accident? Aunt Susan's face contorted to seething rage and
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absolute disbelief at the sheer audacity of the woman on
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the other end of the line. Connor, was there an accident?
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We don't know for certain, but we can easily imagine
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the dispatcher turning down the volume on her headset Auntie Susan.