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To the restless, the insomniacs, the stressed out, the worried,
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and the board. This is for you. Welcome to Anxiety
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Addicts Bedtime Stories, an original podcast by Joe Newman and
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Morgan Walsh, serving up hot, mostly true, twenty minute stories
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to turn off your brain and turn on your ram.
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The stories come from all over the Internet, whispered late
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at parties and from you to the bs inbox. But
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your secrets are safe here. All names have been changed
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to protect the guilty. So please sit back, relax, and
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send us your stories at the link in the show
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notes and sweet Dreams.
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Do you guys remember those refrigerator quote magnets that you'd
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find in the nineties and like some little Chinsey store
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and it would be like believe in yourself and there's
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no how hi you can go and shit like that.
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And I was thinking about this one today while I
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was procrastinating that it was like, love what you do
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and you'll never work another day in your life. And
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I was like, I love what I do and it
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still feels like work. And I was procrastinating all morning
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coming and I don't like my hair like this. I
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don't like I'm kind of overlooking at myself. I think
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is the truth of the matter. You know, maybe you
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don't know this, but I was an actress, a struggling actress,
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a trying to be an actress. I stopped quite a
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few years ago, which is a good thing, because my
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time was up. In fact, you could argue that my
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time never happened, but there you go. And then Morgan
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and I started telling these stories. So, if you're new
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to this weird little corner of the Internet, welcome to
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Anxiety Addicts bedtime stories where we take stories from all
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over the world and our inbox and weird viral stories.
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Things that are funny or embarrassing, are ridiculous or horrible,
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but we give them a happy ending as a way
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to help you turn off your brain and sort of
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disengage from reality. Because Reality Bites. If you need to
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go back and find a great movie, Reality Bites is
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still a great movie. And we watched Don't Tell Mom
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the Babysitter's Dead last night, and that is also still
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a great movie. Massive shout out to Christina Applegate and
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the woman who played Rose so good. Underrated. This is
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a story that has a little bit of nineties nostalgia
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or a lot. I think maybe the movie came out
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in eighty nine, eighty six, and it is about a
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boy who Psyche was shaped by the movie Child's Play.
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Remember Chucky, the crazy, freaky doll that haunted all of
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our nightmares that one. So sit back, relax, unplug. I
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hope you like the story. I think it's hilarious. Morgan
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and I wondered at one point if it made the
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dad sound like he didn't love the sun, but we
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actually decided he was just the best dad out there
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and that we could all take some parenting advice from
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this guy. So I hope you enjoy this one. It's
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called Child's Play. Gary had enough with the late night
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horseshit because in Gary's life he dealt with literal horseshit
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in the mornings. The late nights involved his children, one
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child in particular, it hadn't been days or weeks or
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season's girl, that had been years, and those years felt
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like they were taken a toll on the youthful vibe
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that he was regularly complimented on, and that annoyed Gary
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because he liked being complimented. He also liked feeling young,
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and he wasn't blaming the calendar or the sun spots
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he was blaming Joey. Joey was the youngest son in
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the most trouble, especially after the sun went down. Gary
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should have known. The night that Joey was born, he'd
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had two cows calve and the windstorm blew out the power.
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Any farmer will tell you that a night with screaming
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bow vines isn't the most relaxing welcome into the world.
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Joey was a smart and precocious child. Gary didn't mind
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either of those things. Joey was into building projects with
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the bits and bobs you found around the farm. Often
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those projects were admittedly well made booby traps. Joey would
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hide behind the couch and laugh his ass off at
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any and every family member who walked into his contraption. Surprisingly,
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Gary didn't mind this. He didn't mind the elaborate stories
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that Joey would tell at the dinner table, or the
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fact that his youngest son regularly left the chicken gate open. No,
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Gary was pretty chill with all of this. What really
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ruffled his feathers was the fact that his eight year
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old kid would not fucking go to bed. How is
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he not tired? Gary would drawl to his wife as
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he clicked off the TV, the pitter pattering at footsteps
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audible to everyone awake in the creaky house. Your turn,
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Sandra would reply. She insisted that she was done mothering
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at eight pm and that everyone in the Fetterhorn house
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better have their yah yahs out then, because she wasn't
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gonna deal with it. This made the seven pm hour
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absolute chaos, but Sandra held firm and the family learned
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to respect that one very important boundary. She usually ignored
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the insanity and spent all sixty seconds of seven point
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fifty nine pm smiling at the kitchen wall clock. Gary
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would make a lot of noise pulling his solid body
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off the springy couch after stroking a strawberry blonde beard.
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This was his move whenever he needed a minute. It
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looks like he was thinking. He was often just delaying
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moving his body. That happens when your day starts at
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four thirty am because the fence came down in the storm,
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or because the frost came over the corn when it
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wasn't supposed to do, or two cows gave birth within
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the same hour, or the multitude of things that could
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go wrong on one hundred acres in Iowa in the
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early two thousands. Gary's callous hands stroked the red hair
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that grew artfully out of his chin. He had quite
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the look. Gary might spend the majority of his day
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and his plaid shirts and worn out car hard overalls,
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but the second he was home or out on the town,
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it was always an outfit that a street fashion photographer
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would salivate over. It was often some version of a
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Canadian taxedo that being denim on denhim, but it worked
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for him in a way that it didn't for most people.
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There was something about his choice of blues that made
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people do an appreciative double take. Or maybe it was
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his mullet. His hair coat was so extreme that it
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was the sort of farmer's version of the Rachel. Everyone
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loved it. Few could pull it off as well as
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the original. There was definitely something about Gary. But Gary,
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a confident cowboy or not, was really sick of getting
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his kid to beet he finished stroke in his beard,
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he could hear Joey's breathing from behind the couch. In
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Gary's experience, his children all inherited his self assuredness, whether
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they deserved it or not. Joey thought he was a
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hell of a lot sneakier than he actually was. Joe
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wee yee. The way Gary said the name gave it
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three syllables. He heard, Joey duck to the floor. Gary
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mused momentarily that this kid was aging him in a
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way that the others were not. These knights of sleep
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refusal made him wonder what the heck was going on
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in this kid's brain. When the sky turned dark, he
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seemed to get more energy and made Gary wish there
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were some kind of nighttime farm chores appropriate for a
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third grader. There weren't many. We ain't doing this again.
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Come on, kid, I don't care if you sleep, Just
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stay in your damn bed or even just the damn bedroom.
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The damn bedroom had everything a kid could possibly want
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to sleep and also to be awakened. Joey, as we know,
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was the baby of the family, and he milked that
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position every chance he got. The number of toys couldn't
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fit in the closet even on his most organized day,
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and his bed was a sea of stuffed animalst purchased
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at every county fair and also basically every time his
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mother had to go to the local Kroger, which was
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often a redheaded doll sat in the prime location above
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his dresser. Gary had won that one for Joey. In
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the fair grag where he had to hit the hammer
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and watch the ball float up to gauge your strength,
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Gary won the biggest prize every single year without fail.
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Maybe Sandra and Gary had lost their edge with their
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youngest because he was somehow not falling into line like
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his siblings had before him. I just can't sleep. Joey
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threw down the statement so matter of factly that it
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sounded like he just graduated with his JD. Gary turned
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to face his youngest son. You can because it's bedtime.
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He tried to find soul energy to make a serious face.
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I can't because I'm not tired. Joey had plenty of energy,
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and his face showed it. You can lie there. I can't.
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My body will let me. Gary sighed like a plow
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horse being pushed out of the shade. He wasn't in
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the mood to debate. He wanted to unbutton the top
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of his jeans, make some popcorn, and watch the Hawkeyes game. Unfortunately,
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it was eighth nine and Sandra was nowhere to be seen.
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Let's just try. Gary hoisted himself up off the couch
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and found himself forty five minutes later in the cluttered bedroom,
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his voice now hoarse from reading three entire chapters of
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Harry Potter out loud. There were just so many damn characters.
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He couldn't keep them all straight. Now his brain and
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his body were dead tired, and the football game was
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nearly over. Gary extracted himself from the tangle of Joey's limbs.
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Good Night, son, I don't care what you do, but
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stay in bed. Joey nodded, and Gary would have sworn
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that his son's eyelids looked heavy. He nodded to himself, Damn,
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he was a good dad. Gary patted into the living
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room and settled back down on the couch. The first
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movie that popped up when he hit the remote got
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his attention. Gary had always liked horror movies, and he
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hadn't seen this one in years. It was a classic.
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As the face of the killer doll filled the screen,
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Gary smiled to himself, pulled up a plaid blanket, and
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was ready to zone out to Chucky in the nineteen
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eighty eight film Child's Play. He'd been watching it for
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what seemed like thirty two seconds when he heard a
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familiar rustling sound behind the couch. God, damn it, Joey,
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that better not be you. But as any parent knows,
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when they utter that phrase, ninety nine percent of the time,
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it is in fact your child, and you have to
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do something about it, especially if you can't find Sandra
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because she snuck off into town with her friends from
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Margeritas at Lady's Bingo night at the Elks Club. So
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for the second time that evening, Gary hoisted his weary
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bones and tired voice off the couch, trudged into his
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son's room and tucked him in again. Good night, Joey,
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I love you. I stay in your damn bet. It
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was nine twenty. How was this kid still awake? Poor
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Gary didn't have much time to ponder that idea. He
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was zonked. He closed the door of Joey's room and
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dropped and took us back on the couch. This time,
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it was more like three minutes before he heard the
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pitter patter of relentless feet. Joey, Dad, just one more story.
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I think Harry Potter's gonna give me nightmares. Get in
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a bed or I'll give you nightmares. It was an
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empty threat, and everyone in the Feederhorn house knew it.
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Gary was a gentle and very well dressed giant. He
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got up once again, threw the blankets over his son,
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tripped on a stuffed animal snake, almost threw his back out,
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said a string of words you'd have to repent for
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in church, and finally limped out of Joey's room. This time,
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he decided to stop in the kitchen for a well
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deserved beer. Rookie mistake. As he lowered himself back onto
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his preferred movie watching spot, he saw a lump move
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under the plaid blanket Joey. This time, Joey scurried like
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a mouse, being chased back into his room. Gary was
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too tired to be angry. He shook his head to himself.
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This happened almost every night. Joey could not go to bed.
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It was like he was wired differently than the farmer's
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in his bloodline. Nighttime woke up naturally. It was either
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that or as he was stealing coffee from the kitchen
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at seven pm. Whatever the reason, Gary could not argue
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with the fact that this kid had an opposite circadian rhythm.
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Of everyone else in the household, but regardless of what
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was happening in the kid's brain, this bedtime bullshit had
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to be broken. The cold beer slashing down Gary's throat
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was as refreshing as jumping into a lake on a
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blazing hot summer day. It was exactly what he needed.
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The bubbles floated right up to his brain as the
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underscore of the movie told him that someone was about
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to get stabbed in the neck by a demonically possessed doll.
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Right as the music reached a crescendo, Gary heard another noise.
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It might have startled him a bit, but he would
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never admit it. It was a noise in his house,
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a noise he did not want to hear, a sound
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he was dreading it was Joey. Gary felt ready to
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jump off the couch in a rage, but he stopped himself.
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He told his kid every which way to get his
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butt back into bed, and there was nothing that he
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could get him to do to listen. So maybe scaring
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the shit out of him wasn't world's worst idea. So
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Gary sighed, drank his beer, and focused his attention on
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the brilliantly directed movie on TBS that night. Gary ignored
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the fact that his eight year old had placed himself
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stealthily beside the sofa, and stayed up for two and