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To the restless, the insomniacs, the stressed out, the worried,
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and the board. This is for you. Welcome to Anxiety
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Addicts Bedtime Stories, an original podcast by Joe Newman and
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Morgan Walsh serving up hot, mostly true, twenty minute stories
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to turn off your brain and turn on your ram.
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The stories come from all over the Internet, whispered late
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at parties and from you to the BS inbox. But
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your secrets are safe here. All names have been changed
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to protect the guilty, So please sit back, relax, and
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send us your stories at the link in the show
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notes and sweet dreams.
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Hi, I'm Joe, and I am so happy you're here.
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Welcome to my weird little corner of the Internet where
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my friend since I was in eighth grade, Morgan Welsh
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and I sore stories from all over the Internet and
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weird entries we get from our inbox to bring you true, ridiculous, funny, embarrassing, awkward,
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terrible stories that we turn into twenty minute take your
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mind off of everything. End of the day, Middle of
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the day tales, always with a happy ending to make
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you happy and us happy. So that's what we're doing here.
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And today's story, I'm going to tell.
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You why I really like it, because.
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Some of these were like, Okay, there's a moral here.
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The moral here is, you.
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Know, generally something that you probably shouldn't publish in a
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children's book, but whatever. And I think the moral of
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this story is one of the best things about being
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an adult, because we talk a lot about what's awful
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about being an adult, like paying bills and repercussions and
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weird social anxiety, not being able to sleep, having a
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weird itch in your upper back that is not a
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dermatological candy, but it has something to do with nerve endings,
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and you are itching for twenty four hours a day. Like,
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there's obviously all kinds of stuff that sucks about getting
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older and sucks about being mature and responsible and all
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of the shit that comes along with that.
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But here is a good part of.
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Being an adult that comes with the story.
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Which is free will. And you'll see when we get there.
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But at the end of it, I kind of love
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that this guy never goes back. Guys, sit back, relaxed,
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tune into now, unplug, Please share, like, subscribe. We're not
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picky with anybody anywhere, anytime. Enjoy THEO Loved Dogs he
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liked long walks and not quite ripe bananas and making
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plans for a reasonable.
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And safe future.
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The dog part was just some random genetic trait that
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made him want to stop and pet every pup that
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he passed on the sidewalk in his little London.
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Suburb of a town.
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The banana thing was most likely just a matter of
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personal preference, although it could possibly have been genetic, as
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all the men on his mother's side.
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Felt the same way.
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The safe and reasonable future part was ingrained into him
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from day one. As a we tyke, his aunt Susan
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had given him a game of playing cards with various
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professions printed on them. The game was called something not
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at all obvious, like what do you want to be
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when you grow up?
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Now?
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Logically the game shouldn't have had any right or wrong answers.
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It was created and marketed to babies who had no
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clue what the decision meant, but in Theo's house, it.
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Sort of did.
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He would grab at the card with the man and
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the fire hat or the woman in a lab coat
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holding a kitten, and every time his parents would shake
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their heads and hand him the card of the man
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in khakis and a polo shirt holding a briefcase. Not
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many people would proclaim to be destined for middle management,
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but maybe THEO was. For a moment or two in
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high school, he'd entertain the idea of becoming a veterinarian.
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Theo's father had thought that particular occupation was too close
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to farming, which he himself had to endure as a boy,
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and wanted nothing of that life for his only son.
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You cannot have a cow as a coworker, he declared
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when THEO suggested his future career. Now, THEO knew that
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if he studied science and medicine and worked hard and
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got his veterinary degree.
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He would not have a cow as a coworker.
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The only way that statement would be true would be
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if THEO miraculously discovered how to produce milk and agreed
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to be hooked up to a machine in a dairy
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farm to increase the production of said milk, and in
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turn convinced the general public that this particular human bodily
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secretion paired nicely with honey and PG tips.
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This was not happening.
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Still, bereft of logic or not, THEO went along with
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his father's wishes, because that's what good sons do accounting,
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his father declared one Sunday after the family's regular roast
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chicken dinner. He said it was such confidence and excitement
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that Theo never ventured to challenge his father and signed
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up for all the right classes. He did fine in school,
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even though paying attention to detail was never his strong suit.
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It was while he was riding his bike through his
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suburban neighborhood, tossing the newspaper from Asatchel from one doorstep
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to the next, that Theo's mind both wandered and wondered.
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He'd squint just for.
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A few seconds into each of the windows on the street,
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trying to imagine the lives that took shape.
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Inside those walls.
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He wondered what the people did for work, or where
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they bought their pants.
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He wondered about how.
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All the decisions came to be made they made a life.
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He wondered if there were options.
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But that was a big thought, a gigantic idea for
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his thirteen year old brain, and truthfully, a concept he
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wasn't quite ready for.
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Big decisions were not exactly.
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On the table for young Theodore. He did as he
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was told. He was a solid B plus student, all
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throughout school he could have been an a, but his
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work consistently lacked imagination and originality. He did the work
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that was expected of him, avoided conflict, and mostly stayed
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out of trouble as much as any young boy can.
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Many newspapers and years after that time, THEO didn't even
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remember choosing accounting on his school application, but he must have,
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because four years and dozens of classes later, that was
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the subject that was printed on his degree. Lumbering his
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six' three frame across the stage in his cap and,
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GOWN theo paused for a, moment gazing out into the,
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audience looking for his, parents who were impossible to find
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amongst the sea of khaki clad fifty something year.
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Olds even his.
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Mother's soft brown curls blended in with all the other
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mother's soft brown. Curls, so always thoughtful and hedging his,
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BEDS theo waved in the general direction of all the
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clapping parents and held up his diploma so somewhere out
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there his father could snap a photo and turn the
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page on this.
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Chapter of all of their, Lives.
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Jamison And. Sons accounting looked like any in every beige
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office and. Haring WHEN theo stepped through the doors on
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his first, day he had trouble remembering.
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The interview as they all sort of blended.
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Together, nina the red lipsticked, receptionist greeted him with a practice.
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Smile good, morning you must BE. Theo let me share you.
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AROUND theo nodded with a smile that he hoped conveyed
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the correct amount of, enthusiasm and Followed nina to his.
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Cubicle each time they passed an.
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Open, door she would mention the person's name residing in said.
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Office then each accountant would brief we look up from their,
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screen not In theo's general, direction and go right back
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to their.
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Work it was as warm as the back of a.
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Freezer nina opened the last door at the end of
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the hallway and handed him a. Folder here's the login
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information for the. Accounts in order to make it, here they
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expect you to be a self, staunter to sort of
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take things into your own. Hands get it, done you.
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Know nina looked AT theo, expectantly as if there should
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be some applause for this incredible amount of. INFORMATION theo
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forced his face into the largest smile he could. Imagine
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by the time he'd stretched his lips across his. Face
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she'd already spun on her very sensible heel and was
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returning back to the front of the. OFFICE theo glanced
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around the hallway to see if any of his new
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coworkers had witnessed the awkward.
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Interaction, no not a.
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Human then a quiet but repeated dud sound caught his.
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Ear three offices, down a fluffy golden tail wagged against
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a green carpeted. Floor then a beautiful retriever's head stuck.
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Out the dog SAW theo smile and gave him one right.
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BACK theo sat at his, desk.
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Made himself as comfortable as possible in the office, chair
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and typed. Thoughtfully it was mostly a data, entry but
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he wanted to start out his first week strong and
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not make a. Mistake he allowed himself a glance at
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the dog each thirty minutes on the dock whenever he
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took a trip to the. Loop he'd walked down the,
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hallway crinkling his face into a look that he hoped
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conveyed that he was deep in thought and not deeply.
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Bored it didn't.
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Matter it was the unfriendliest workplace in THE. Uk no
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one said, Hello no one asked how he was settling.
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In in, fact after three days of, THIS theo was
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pretty sure that the only eye contact he'd made Since
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monday was with the. Dog the next morning was a,
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slog to be, honest and the morning after that it
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was almost as if regular humans entered The jamison And
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son's doors and became accountant zombies with no need for human.
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Interaction for the rest.
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Of the, DAY theo stared at his, screen watching the
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numbers swim around on the page until they morphed into,
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meaningless mateless blobs with no. Direction and even THOUGH theo
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had spent his life fighting the urge to wander and to,
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wonder to squash his impulses to, daydream to focus on
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the road ahead and not crane his neck for shortcuts
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or turnouts or any kind of scenic, group that first
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week of work of the beginning of his professional life
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forced him to question his present. Situation the relentless drone
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of overhead fluorescent lights felt like the sound of carbreaks
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screeching on a hot summer day in his. Ears the
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musty smell of the office reminded him of a long
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forgotten blowney, sandwich and the click click of his colleagues's
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keyboards made him feel immediately unqualified for this boring, job
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and that's.
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When he felt it right on his.
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Ankle to be, fair it's almost as IF theo knew
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what was happening before it. Happened but when he finally
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mustered the courage to look, down not out of fear
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for his, life simply fear of disappointment if you were,
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wrong he saw. It the big fluffy dare he, say
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happy looking golden retriever had sauntered over to his desk
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and placed himself right At theo's left.
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ANKLE theo felt his heart.
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Race the dog was so, kind, looking so, gentle and
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when he looked up at the newest Accountant jamison And,
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SONS theo knew without a doubt that.
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This dog needed to go for a. Walk the dog's
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timing was.
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IMPECCABLE theo, too also very much needed a.
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Walk is this anyone's?
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POP theo called down the, hallway but no one. Responds
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he knocked gently on the door to the. Right the
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office's owner signaled that they were on a call and had.
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No time to be. BOTHERED theo tapped on the door
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to the. Left in the middle of.
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SOMETHING a female voice called out in a tone implying
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THAT theo should most likely go away and never ever come.
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Back, okay THOUGHT. Theo maybe leaving the.
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Office midday on your first week wasn't the best. Move
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maybe it didn't convey the worker be mentality that he
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had so strictly cultivated for. Himself BUT theo felt there
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was a good chance that he would pull out all
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of his hair in most of his fingernails if he
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didn't get out of that building in the next sixty.
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Seconds the dog appeared to, agree AS theo and the
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dog made their way through the front, door an ancient
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bell jingling against the. GLASS theo wondered if perhaps taking
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the office dog for a walk was a brilliant way
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of integrating.
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Himself into the uptight office.
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Culture maybe this bit of a jaunt would make him
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a hero. Me and that's when it, started the thing
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that our hero had worked so hard to, resist the,
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wondering which was immediately followed by the. Wandering neither he