Aug. 6, 2025

RAD RERUN!! Dog With A Bone

RAD RERUN!! Dog With A Bone

You know the one place that you don't want to be bit by a dog? This is a story about exactly that. And the person wants everyone to know that THEY ARE FINE AND EVERYTHING WORKS THE WAY IT IS SUPPOSED TO. Ok, you wanna know how we got there? Like so...

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You know the one place that you don't want to be bit by a dog?

This is a story about exactly that.

And the person wants everyone to know that THEY ARE FINE AND EVERYTHING WORKS THE WAY IT IS SUPPOSED TO.

Ok, you wanna know how we got there? Like so many insane nights, (wink, wink) it started in an art gallery with room-temp Chardonnay.

Tune in and tune out to this wonderfully true story with, we promise, a totally happy ending.

๐ŸŒˆ Lost your EarPods? Procrastinating at your computer? Hate the sound of Jo's voice? Then you're in luck!

๐Ÿ€ All episodes are available for your reading pleasure at www.anxietyaddictsbedtimestories.com

๐Ÿ“š Love the stories?

๐Ÿ‘„ Have one to tell?

โฐ Only have three minutes? It's SO easy to submit your own! Just click on: www.anxietyaddictsbedtimestories.com/contact

โœ๏ธ How does it work?

๐Ÿ‘€ Is it annoying?

๐Ÿ‘ฎ Will the cops find me? You send three short sentences and we do the rest. It's less annoying than anything else in your inbox. And we change all names and identifying characteristics so the only thing knocking on your door after midnight is hopefully someone you invited.

๐Ÿ† Want funny pics? Links to the latest story? And videos of all the things stressing us the eff out? Lucky for you, our Insta is ๐Ÿ”ฅ Fire ๐Ÿ”ฅ So follow us here: @anxietyaddictsbedtimestories.

Need a 90-second life break to make you laugh and forget about the real world for an entire minute? Put your email in here for a good time: https://www.anxietyaddictsbedtimestories.com/Sweet dreams...xoxo

Jo & Morgan

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To the restless, the insomniacs, the stressed out, the overwork

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the doom scrollers, the worried, and the board. This is

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for you. Good writing is meant to make you think.

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This is the opposite. Short, funny, and unfortunately true stories

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that have mostly to do with nothing to help you

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turn off your brain and turn on your rim. All

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names have been changed to protect the guilty. These are

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anxiety addicts, bedtime stories.

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The marriage was supposed to last. Arty met Frankie at

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a photography exhibit in Kennebunkport, Maine, and was immediately almost

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magnetically drawn to the woman in the green velvet duster coat.

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He'd tried to watch her discreetly from across the room,

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holding his plastic cup of room temperature sharp in his

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right hand while adjusting his glasses with his left hand

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to try for a second, longer look. She'd walk up

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to each piece, squint at the photo from a bit

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too close up, and then exactly fifteen seconds later, spin

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on her heel and make her way to the next picture.

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The execution of her decision making was something that Artie

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admired in all people, and especially women. He lived according

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to a very different metronome. Artie was someone who took

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his time. This made it difficult to start a conversation

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with Frankie. She just didn't stay in one place for

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very long, and he usually did. Artie scooched his way

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over to the section of the exhibit boasting landscapes of

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their northern state with snow capped mountains jetting up from

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rocky beaches. He stood a room's length away from this

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fairy tale looking woman, summoning the balls just to stand

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next to her and will his mouth are talking? But

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each time Artie convinced his body and brain to make

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a literal and metaphorical move. His fifteen seconds were up

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and Frankie had gone on to look at something else.

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So he followed her from one picture to the next,

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from wildlife photography to grainy black and whites of shopkeepers

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and fishermen to landscapes of sunset colored trees. In October,

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after he had trailed her coat to at least six

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different artists work, she spent an extra four seconds in

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front of a large format image of a lighthouse and asked,

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without turning her sharply featured head, is this the nice

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kind of following? Or the creepy kind. She paused for

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maybe an entire breath. Well, Artie usually liked to take

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a moment or two before he spoke to people. He

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preferred to carefully select his words from his life's dictionary.

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Frankie did not have time for this kind of cerebral retrieval.

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The nice kind he sputtered, even though he had a

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mental disaurus with a much more or impressive vocabulary. See

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Artie had lived, he wasn't what his mother, Gertrude, would

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have called a spring chicken. He'd gone to school in

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the sixties to become a dentist, which was a profession

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Gertrude had decided for him decades earlier, when young Artie

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had been fascinated by the loss of his first tooth

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at five years old. His career destiny had been decided,

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and he wasn't mad about the choice of profession. Even

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though she'd been gone for a decade. He still admired

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his mother for her decision making skills, and his mother

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wasn't wrong about his fit in the world of dental arts.

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He liked dentistry school. He liked the idea of opening

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up his own practice. He'd met his first wife Sam

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during their final year, and they'd gotten married and had

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two children. They were never happy. Artie got the idea

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that Sam loved their dental hygienist more than she loved him,

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and their relationship fizzled by the time their kids were

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in high school. That was when already realized that he

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hated reaching his hands into people's mouth, and he hated

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the thought of ever reaching his hand into another person's

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mouth ever again. So he started an online business selling

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medical equipment where no one had the opportunity to cough

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on him. It was a good setup. He worked from

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home before that was like a whole thing where his

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entire day was under his control. He didn't have to

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talk to anyone. He made his own coffee and his

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own hours, and communicated to anyone that he needed to

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by email in a completely germ free environment. Some days

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he realized that if one of his kids didn't call

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to say hi or to ask for the four hundredth

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time the digits of their social Security number, he didn't

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speak a single word out loud to anyone. Earlier that day,

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he'd cut his finger opening up a can of tuna

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and had been startled by the person who snapped, Oh shit,

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he didn't remember the sound of his own voice. This

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was not going to be a good sign for his

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golden years. Artie may have lived to a more a

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daggio templed symphony, but he was nothing if not a

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proactive man. He'd gotten a band aid from the kitchen

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first aid kit, finished making his lunch and opened up

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the local paper. He flipped to the art section and

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decided rather quickly for him upon this specific photography gallery

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opening for no other reason than to get out of

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the house and to speak to other humans in real

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life that very day. He hadn't had any romantic aspirations

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for the night, hadn't thought twice when he'd pulled out

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his cottonellbean sweater in case the night got cool, looking

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unintentionally put together, and he wasn't planning on meeting a woman,

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and he'd certainly never met a woman before. Like Frankie,

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he spent the remainder of the evening following her to

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the exhibit entitled Local Heroes were stark close up photographs

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of nurses and fishing guides and the pound's local ice

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cream parlor owners were printed with such extreme detail and

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clarity that they looked as if they could start talking

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to you without any additional help from the artist. Artie

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learned that Frankie was also divorced, a practicing lawyer, and

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had a daughter living in the city. Frankie spoke passionately

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about the law and the art in the gallery and

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her present hankering for some ice cream. After seeing those

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photos and that night Artie was on he immediately looked

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up the hours of Sam Hill's sweet shop, saw that

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it was opened for another twenty two minutes, and insisted

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upon whisking Frankie across the bridge for some butter pecan

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and a waffle cone. As they sat on the aging

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picnic table, they ate their ice cream and laughed about

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the life circumstances that had brought the two of them

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to this exact moment. Artie put his arm around her

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as they listened to the tides splash against the hulls

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of the boats resting in the harbor. The next night,

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they went to the little Italian joint off of Main

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Street and shared the lasagna that was made with someone's

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known as secret recipe. The courtship or whatever people of

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that generation would have called it didn't last long. Soon

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enough Frankie had moved her clothes and art and books

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and old dog Martha into Artie's postmodern cabin by the water.

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It was cozy, it was happy, and the two fit

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together as if they'd known each other forever but hadn't

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packed any painful baggage along the way. Thus is the

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allure of second marriages. In the other they each found

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a fresh start, a new beginning, a clean slate, if

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you will, which is why, after a small ceremony out

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on the dock, Frankie announced over a dinner of homemade

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biliabase that she was going to quit her work as

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a lawyer and become, yes, of course, obviously a dog trainer.

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Both Martha and Artie cocked an eyebrow. Apparently this had

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always been Frankie's dream, but her financial and civic minded

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ambitions had pushed her into the legal profession. Dog training

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was her passion, and now that she had a second

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chance at a meaningful relationship, she wanted a second chance

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with her work too. Okay, Frankie threw herself into canine

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training with the same intensity that she devoted to everything

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else in her life. When Artie would open up the

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door and it was home office for a bathroom break

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or a glass of seltzer. His wife would be standing

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in the living room, a fanny pack full of dog

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treats at her waist, and poor old Martha lying down

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and getting up and barely lifting her front leg and

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inch off the ground. When Frankie instructed, Paw, do you

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do you really think that Martha should have to go

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through all of this? Already asked, holding a glass full

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with a lime wedge, he crossed through the hallway to

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go back to his office. Frankie looked at her eleven

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year old mutt with a focused concentration. No, that's what

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I thought. Artie offered a sincere smile and reached down

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to scratch Martha behind the ear. Martha immediately collapsed on

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top of his feet, clearly exhausted from having to move

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so much in a single morning. Artie had never been

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a devoted animal lover, but he'd found a soft spot

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for this wire haired Schnauzer mix presently snoozing on his shoelaces.

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Frankie snapped her fingers. Only Artie was trained well enough

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to look at her. We need another dog. Frankie immediately

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swished into the kitchen where she picked up the house

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phone and dialed her instructor. And this is how Frankie

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and Artie and Martha got Barry. Now Barry had potential,

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which is what Frankie and everyone in Frankie's class insisted upon.

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Artie was, I'm so sure the dog seemed to have

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a problem, the problem being where to put his teeth. Yeah,

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Barry was a biter. He was also a barker and

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a peer on the bathroom floor. But Artie was able

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to ignore the ladder since he was so afraid of

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Barry's mouth attaching itself to his thigh or arm or jugular.

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Artie would jump when the dog would growl at him.

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In the middle of the night, when he got up

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to use the toilet or for some water, he found

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himself sleeping around the house, avoiding rooms where the labrador

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slash Satanic mix was sleeping. And he really, really really

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didn't like it. When that Saturday, Frankie suggested demanded that

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they all go on a walk together. Obviously agreed, it's

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a walk. We can all take a walk. We have

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to walk. Barry and I both feel confined. Artie nodded,

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because it's hard to argue with a walk, especially on

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a nice day, especially with a dog, or want to

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be dog trainer. In the specific case, you need to

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eat before we go, I made you a sandwich. Frankie

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placed two plates on the kitchen counter, boasting toppling turkey

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sandwiches and a pickle on the side of each. Artie

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wasn't hungry. He didn't like turkey sandwiches. He also didn't

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know why his wife of six months didn't know this,

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but it was rare that she made him lun and

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so he choked down more than half of it and

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listened to Barry's training progress. Frankie insisted that walks were

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bonding opportunities for Artie and Frankie. When outdoors and on

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a leash, both males could feel free, but with a

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clear boundary of who was in charge Artie. Artie wasn't

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sure about any of this, but he loaded up the

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car like Frankie demanded, remembering the collapsible water bowl since

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he never liked to see Martha thirsty. He also remembered

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sunscreen and leashes and a back. What he forgot was

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Barry's collar. Now, why Barry wasn't wearing a collar in

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the first place, has something to do with the particular

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and it should be added expensive training method that Frankie

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was studying. It doesn't matter now, But the collar was

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hanging on a hook in the mudroom when the family

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packed up their Subaru hatchback and drove out to one

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of the most popular hiking trails in the area. No

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one noticed the oversight until they got to the trailhead

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and unpacked the car. Shit, was Artie's helpful response, It

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doesn't matter. Frankie moved with the same mixture of decisiveness

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and exasperation that she gave everything she did. All we

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have to do is put the clasp through the handle

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and it actually makes its own training collar. It might

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even be better this way. In retrospect, Artie, Martha, and

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possibly even Barry thought that this was a terrible idea,

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but having no other real choice than them, they listened

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to Frankie. Martha didn't need a caller or a leash

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for that matter. She simply followed the family until she

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needed to nap under a tree, and would do so

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and wait for them to come back. The irony of

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this situation is that Martha was an impeccably trained dog

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who had never received any dog training. Now Barry that

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was another story. Barry did not like the lack of collar,

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or the new leash contraption, or Artie for that matter,

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but Frankie insisted that her new man walk her newer man.

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You have to show him dominance, she insisted, thrusting the

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end of the leash to her cynical husband, who wasn't

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sure he'd ever dominated anything in his life other than

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a root canal. But Artie did as he was told.

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He knew how to take direction. That's why he'd become

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so successful in his new sales company. He understood what

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people wanted, and he went to great lengths to make

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sure that he was the only one who could get

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it for them. So Artie took the end of the leash,

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even though he really, really really didn't want to. The

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trail was steady that day, lots of very serious hikers

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sporting lots of very serious gear, and also lots of

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regular people in regular birkenstocks walking the exact same path.

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Artie placed himself squarely in the middle of these two groups,

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as he wore running shoes with dress socks and cargo

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shorts and a backpack from the late nineties. You get

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the picture. Frankie looked like she had googled professional dog

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trainer and had bought all of the clothes that the

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first person on a pinteress board was wearing. Other dog

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owners sensed her energy and nodded to her with deference,

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or at least that's what Frankie saw. Artie saw normal

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00:14:44.240 --> 00:14:47.600
people with normal pops, looking terrified at the panting beast

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attached to the end of his leash. Keep him close

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to you. If he's looking at you, he's focusing on you.

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If he's focusing on you, he's not thinking about biting anyone.

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Frankie whisper yelled the last instruction. Since all dog trainers

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worth their salt know that you'd never label a dog

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a biter, it would take until the end of this

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story for Artie to find out why that was considered

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a cardinal sin. They took the upper path through the

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birch trees, crunching on the leaves below, breathing in the

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00:15:18.799 --> 00:15:24.080
perfectly woodsy smell of a decomposing yet thriving forest. They

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passed young couples with puppies and single women jogging with

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athletic dogs who did indeed look a bit like their owners.

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They passed old people determined to get their arthritic Pomeranian

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out into the wilderness, and a young family trying their

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best to exhaust their new Golden Retriever or sometimes a

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blue Healer. But it wasn't until they saw a literal

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toy poodle in a little girl's arms that Artie's hackles

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went up because Barry did not like the poodle. The

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00:15:56.279 --> 00:15:58.919
girl had stopped to take a selfie at the overlook

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past the switchback, and Barry was having none of it.

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That poodle was his nemesis. Maybe the lap dog had

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killed one of his ancestors and Barry's anger was rearing

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its ugly head through some kind of canine generational trauma.

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Or maybe Barry was just a dick. Whatever the reason,

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the giant, drooling uncollared Barry leapt at the unsuspecting eight

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year old. This was a good time for Artie to

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be uncharacteristically swift. He pulled on Barry's leash with everything

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he had, turning the dog's angry mouth away from the

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girl and the little pop right into his crotch. Yes,

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that's right, Barry's bite was redirected and without hesitation, he

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chomped down on Artie's man parts. If the blood that

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quickly seeped through Artie's tan cargo shorts was any indication

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this was not a great outcome. Of course, it was

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better than the animal's swallowing a third grader whole, but

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still not exactly awesome for Artie. Here Frankie came running, hollering,

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ignoring the freshly traumatized child, and ran right to the

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overlook to take control of the situation. Are you are

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you okay? Tell me right now, tell me what happened?

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Frankie shrieked. Artie was slowly seeing little cartoon tweetybirds circling

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his head. The hut pan mixed with the adrenaline rush

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of knowing he just saved someone's life, was a sensation

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his body had never felt before. Well, he was going

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after this girl, who Artie was unceremoniously interrupted. Tell me

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what happened, Frankie demanded. How m Artie, who was quickly

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losing blood, shot back, and that was when he realized

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that his wife was not talking to him. She had

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brought her look of deep concern onto her knees, because,

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of course, she was talking to the dog. That pup

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was not a threat. You are safe, You are safe.

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You are safe, she repeated, like a cult leader to

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his hungry followers. She barely clocked Artie's blood soaked lap ah. Well,

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I guess we have to go back now. Those were

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not the words of a concerned and loving significant other

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that Artie was expecting. He silently followed Frankie back down

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the trail, coaxed Martha out from under a soft shrub,

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and made their way back to the car. I think

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I think I need to go to the hospital were

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the last words that Artie remember saying before being woken

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up by an orderly outside the front door of the

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emergency room. Are you gonna be all right, Frankie asked,

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as though he'd gotten a mild paper cut. I need

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00:18:50.000 --> 00:18:51.480
to get back to the house to do my Level

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00:18:51.519 --> 00:18:55.759
three exam with Barry. Harty threw up his hands and

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00:18:55.839 --> 00:18:58.680
shrugged his shoulders as the nurse guided him into the

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wheelchair and Frankie drove off with her visor and aviator,

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sunglasses and a dangerous canine in the backseat. Now this

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day didn't get any better for Artie. There was a

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tear in his yep. There a tear and the attending

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00:19:14.920 --> 00:19:20.880
surgeon would not operate until the quote unquote contents of

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his stomach cleared, which meant poor Artie had to sit

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00:19:25.359 --> 00:19:30.400
in the hospital bed in pain for six hours until

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00:19:30.440 --> 00:19:33.079
he could pass that stupid turkey sandwich that he never

313
00:19:33.119 --> 00:19:36.680
wanted in the first place. When he got out of

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the operating room, he was sore, exhausted, and very surprised

315
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to find two people in his room that he'd never

316
00:19:44.599 --> 00:19:52.599
met before, Officers Chuck and Samantha from Animal Control. Artie

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00:19:52.640 --> 00:19:57.039
lifted his heavy head again, shrugging his shoulders as words

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00:19:57.079 --> 00:20:02.920
were now an impossibility. Officer Samantha spoke dog bites, resulting

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00:20:02.960 --> 00:20:05.640
in a visit to the er are reported immediately to

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Animal Control. We need to get some information from you,

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00:20:10.359 --> 00:20:12.799
Arti heard his voice for the first time since he'd

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00:20:12.839 --> 00:20:16.440
been in the car, surprising him again like the Tunican cut.

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He told them with the last shred of energy that

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00:20:20.440 --> 00:20:24.920
he could muster about Frankie and Barry and dog training

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and the marriage that was not turning out to be

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00:20:27.319 --> 00:20:30.599
what it had promised. Cheg and Samantha didn't seem to

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00:20:30.640 --> 00:20:32.839
care about the last bit of information, but they wrote

328
00:20:32.839 --> 00:20:35.720
it down in their notepads anyway, in a gesture of

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00:20:35.759 --> 00:20:39.079
respect to the man who had just undergone surgery. Honest

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Penis then already passed out for the second time that day.

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He awoke hours later to fourteen angry calls and texts

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from Frankie. Apparently the animal control officers had conveyed all

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00:20:52.400 --> 00:20:56.200
of Artie's thoughts to her about the incident, about the dog,

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and the status of their marriage. Thinkey was he was unhappy.

335
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This wasn't the fresh start she wanted, This wasn't the

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00:21:07.039 --> 00:21:11.640
artist she wanted. She was taking her things and moving out.

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00:21:11.960 --> 00:21:15.960
Already felt sad thinking of Martha no longer living with him.

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Over the next month and a half, already healed both

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physically and emotionally. He spent his evenings on the phone

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00:21:23.799 --> 00:21:26.720
with his new divorce attorney and went back to life

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00:21:26.839 --> 00:21:30.640
as it had been the previous year. Now he didn't

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00:21:30.839 --> 00:21:34.319
judge being alone in such a negative light. He appreciated

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the quiet. He found the time to call up his

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kids a bit more often, and eventually he rescued a

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middle aged mutt from the shelter who reminded him so

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much of Martha. And that is when Madam Poetic Justice

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00:21:49.039 --> 00:21:53.480
tipped her hat to him. One beautiful Sunday morning, he

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00:21:53.559 --> 00:21:55.799
was out for a walk with his wired haired beagle

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00:21:55.880 --> 00:21:58.880
mix and his cell phone rang. It was his lawyer.

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He wanted to send the called a voicemail, but he

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knew he should probably deal with whatever it was right now.

352
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So this is kind of funny, his attorney began. Frankie

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00:22:09.920 --> 00:22:12.640
just asked for a check, which I categorically refused on

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your behalf, A check for what Artie was done. Hearing

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the words Frankie and check in the same sentence, he

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00:22:21.079 --> 00:22:23.920
cradled the phone on his chin while unclipping the leash

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from his new rescue to let her frolic in the

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dog park. Apparently, Barry has been labeled as a dangerous dog,

359
00:22:31.240 --> 00:22:35.160
which adds a hefty charge on Frankie's new homeowner's insurance.

360
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You will not be paying for this. Arty pressed his

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00:22:39.039 --> 00:22:42.000
lips together and hung up the phone. He appreciated the

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00:22:42.039 --> 00:22:45.519
karmic payback. He imagined Frankie and her dangerous dog and

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00:22:45.559 --> 00:22:48.759
her never ending quest for happiness. He looked up at

364
00:22:48.759 --> 00:22:51.480
the new England blue sky, listened to the birds and

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the wind ruffling the leaves on the trees. He figured

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he was good, was quiet for a while. That was

367
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when he heard a shriek from a sitting on the

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00:23:00.920 --> 00:23:05.680
bench throwing a ball for his husky. You are not

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allowed in here, the man yelled over the fence. A

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00:23:09.160 --> 00:23:11.880
woman with her Corgi jumped straight up into the air.

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She looked where he was looking. You all this we

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00:23:15.680 --> 00:23:19.240
will call the cop. Artie craned his neck to see

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who this offensive dog owner could be. A tall woman

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00:23:22.519 --> 00:23:25.720
with serious biceps held onto her great Dane and squinted

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00:23:25.720 --> 00:23:27.640
her eyes at the figure on the other side of

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the fence. You heard them. You're a crazy woman, Frankie.

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Now get out of here. Now. Artie should not have

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been so surprised to see the figure in the wide

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00:23:38.200 --> 00:23:42.000
brim hat, aviator, sunglasses and a fanny pack full of treats,

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but he was. He watched his now ex wife turn around,

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00:23:46.960 --> 00:23:49.799
pulling Barry with all of her weight, and slump off

382
00:23:49.839 --> 00:23:53.799
to her subru And that, my friends, is the story

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00:23:53.839 --> 00:23:57.720
of Artie and Frankie and Martha and Barry and Artie's

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00:23:57.759 --> 00:24:01.839
new dog and Artie's layer. So the lesson is be

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00:24:01.960 --> 00:24:05.559
careful who you take out for ice cream. And at

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00:24:05.559 --> 00:24:08.119
the end of the story, submission already took the time

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00:24:08.200 --> 00:24:12.960
to note that everything now works just fine. So if

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you're a single gal of a certain age and looking

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00:24:15.240 --> 00:24:17.599
for a very chill man living up in Maine, well

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00:24:18.000 --> 00:24:20.039
see if you can find him in our comments section.

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00:24:21.000 --> 00:24:24.839
This podcast would rush all our expectations if we turned

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00:24:24.880 --> 00:24:29.960
into a successful matchmaking service. Now, for the record, I

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00:24:30.000 --> 00:24:33.319
have never set two people up who actually liked each other,

394
00:24:34.039 --> 00:24:36.839
and Morgan hats and she brags about it and it's annoying.

395
00:24:37.240 --> 00:24:40.160
I would like a win, So good luck out there,

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00:24:40.799 --> 00:24:41.559
and Sweet.

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00:24:41.319 --> 00:24:51.799
Dreams, thanks for listening. If you still can't sleep, why

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00:24:51.839 --> 00:24:55.039
not do some shopping on the small business links at

399
00:24:55.119 --> 00:24:59.880
anxiety addictsbedtime stories dot com and support some really cool people.

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00:25:00.200 --> 00:25:03.319
And don't forget to subscribe and to send us your stories.

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00:25:04.319 --> 00:25:05.200
Sweet Dreams,