Aug. 6, 2025
RAD RERUN!! Dog With A Bone
You know the one place that you don't want to be bit by a dog? This is a story about exactly that. And the person wants everyone to know that THEY ARE FINE AND EVERYTHING WORKS THE WAY IT IS SUPPOSED TO. Ok, you wanna know how we got there? Like so...
You know the one place that you don't want to be bit by a dog?
This is a story about exactly that.
And the person wants everyone to know that THEY ARE FINE AND EVERYTHING WORKS THE WAY IT IS SUPPOSED TO.
Ok, you wanna know how we got there? Like so many insane nights, (wink, wink) it started in an art gallery with room-temp Chardonnay.
Tune in and tune out to this wonderfully true story with, we promise, a totally happy ending.
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Jo & Morgan
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To the restless, the insomniacs, the stressed out, the overwork
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the doom scrollers, the worried, and the board. This is
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for you. Good writing is meant to make you think.
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This is the opposite. Short, funny, and unfortunately true stories
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that have mostly to do with nothing to help you
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turn off your brain and turn on your rim. All
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names have been changed to protect the guilty. These are
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anxiety addicts, bedtime stories.
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The marriage was supposed to last. Arty met Frankie at
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a photography exhibit in Kennebunkport, Maine, and was immediately almost
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magnetically drawn to the woman in the green velvet duster coat.
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He'd tried to watch her discreetly from across the room,
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holding his plastic cup of room temperature sharp in his
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right hand while adjusting his glasses with his left hand
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to try for a second, longer look. She'd walk up
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to each piece, squint at the photo from a bit
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too close up, and then exactly fifteen seconds later, spin
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on her heel and make her way to the next picture.
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The execution of her decision making was something that Artie
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admired in all people, and especially women. He lived according
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to a very different metronome. Artie was someone who took
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his time. This made it difficult to start a conversation
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with Frankie. She just didn't stay in one place for
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very long, and he usually did. Artie scooched his way
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over to the section of the exhibit boasting landscapes of
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their northern state with snow capped mountains jetting up from
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rocky beaches. He stood a room's length away from this
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fairy tale looking woman, summoning the balls just to stand
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next to her and will his mouth are talking? But
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each time Artie convinced his body and brain to make
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a literal and metaphorical move. His fifteen seconds were up
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and Frankie had gone on to look at something else.
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So he followed her from one picture to the next,
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from wildlife photography to grainy black and whites of shopkeepers
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and fishermen to landscapes of sunset colored trees. In October,
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after he had trailed her coat to at least six
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different artists work, she spent an extra four seconds in
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front of a large format image of a lighthouse and asked,
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without turning her sharply featured head, is this the nice
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kind of following? Or the creepy kind. She paused for
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maybe an entire breath. Well, Artie usually liked to take
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a moment or two before he spoke to people. He
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preferred to carefully select his words from his life's dictionary.
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Frankie did not have time for this kind of cerebral retrieval.
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The nice kind he sputtered, even though he had a
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mental disaurus with a much more or impressive vocabulary. See
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Artie had lived, he wasn't what his mother, Gertrude, would
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have called a spring chicken. He'd gone to school in
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the sixties to become a dentist, which was a profession
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Gertrude had decided for him decades earlier, when young Artie
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had been fascinated by the loss of his first tooth
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at five years old. His career destiny had been decided,
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and he wasn't mad about the choice of profession. Even
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though she'd been gone for a decade. He still admired
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his mother for her decision making skills, and his mother
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wasn't wrong about his fit in the world of dental arts.
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He liked dentistry school. He liked the idea of opening
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up his own practice. He'd met his first wife Sam
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during their final year, and they'd gotten married and had
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two children. They were never happy. Artie got the idea
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that Sam loved their dental hygienist more than she loved him,
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and their relationship fizzled by the time their kids were
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in high school. That was when already realized that he
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hated reaching his hands into people's mouth, and he hated
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the thought of ever reaching his hand into another person's
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mouth ever again. So he started an online business selling
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medical equipment where no one had the opportunity to cough
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on him. It was a good setup. He worked from
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home before that was like a whole thing where his
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entire day was under his control. He didn't have to
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talk to anyone. He made his own coffee and his
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own hours, and communicated to anyone that he needed to
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by email in a completely germ free environment. Some days
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he realized that if one of his kids didn't call
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to say hi or to ask for the four hundredth
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time the digits of their social Security number, he didn't
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speak a single word out loud to anyone. Earlier that day,
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he'd cut his finger opening up a can of tuna
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and had been startled by the person who snapped, Oh shit,
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he didn't remember the sound of his own voice. This
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was not going to be a good sign for his
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golden years. Artie may have lived to a more a
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daggio templed symphony, but he was nothing if not a
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proactive man. He'd gotten a band aid from the kitchen
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first aid kit, finished making his lunch and opened up
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the local paper. He flipped to the art section and
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decided rather quickly for him upon this specific photography gallery
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opening for no other reason than to get out of
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the house and to speak to other humans in real
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life that very day. He hadn't had any romantic aspirations
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for the night, hadn't thought twice when he'd pulled out
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his cottonellbean sweater in case the night got cool, looking
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unintentionally put together, and he wasn't planning on meeting a woman,
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and he'd certainly never met a woman before. Like Frankie,
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he spent the remainder of the evening following her to
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the exhibit entitled Local Heroes were stark close up photographs
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of nurses and fishing guides and the pound's local ice
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cream parlor owners were printed with such extreme detail and
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clarity that they looked as if they could start talking
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to you without any additional help from the artist. Artie
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learned that Frankie was also divorced, a practicing lawyer, and
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had a daughter living in the city. Frankie spoke passionately
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about the law and the art in the gallery and
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her present hankering for some ice cream. After seeing those
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photos and that night Artie was on he immediately looked
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up the hours of Sam Hill's sweet shop, saw that
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it was opened for another twenty two minutes, and insisted
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upon whisking Frankie across the bridge for some butter pecan
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and a waffle cone. As they sat on the aging
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picnic table, they ate their ice cream and laughed about
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the life circumstances that had brought the two of them
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to this exact moment. Artie put his arm around her
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as they listened to the tides splash against the hulls
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of the boats resting in the harbor. The next night,
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they went to the little Italian joint off of Main
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Street and shared the lasagna that was made with someone's
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known as secret recipe. The courtship or whatever people of
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that generation would have called it didn't last long. Soon
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enough Frankie had moved her clothes and art and books
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and old dog Martha into Artie's postmodern cabin by the water.
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It was cozy, it was happy, and the two fit
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together as if they'd known each other forever but hadn't
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packed any painful baggage along the way. Thus is the
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allure of second marriages. In the other they each found
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a fresh start, a new beginning, a clean slate, if
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you will, which is why, after a small ceremony out
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on the dock, Frankie announced over a dinner of homemade
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biliabase that she was going to quit her work as
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a lawyer and become, yes, of course, obviously a dog trainer.
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Both Martha and Artie cocked an eyebrow. Apparently this had
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always been Frankie's dream, but her financial and civic minded
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ambitions had pushed her into the legal profession. Dog training
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was her passion, and now that she had a second
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chance at a meaningful relationship, she wanted a second chance
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with her work too. Okay, Frankie threw herself into canine
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training with the same intensity that she devoted to everything
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else in her life. When Artie would open up the
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door and it was home office for a bathroom break
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or a glass of seltzer. His wife would be standing
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in the living room, a fanny pack full of dog
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treats at her waist, and poor old Martha lying down
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and getting up and barely lifting her front leg and
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inch off the ground. When Frankie instructed, Paw, do you
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do you really think that Martha should have to go
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through all of this? Already asked, holding a glass full
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with a lime wedge, he crossed through the hallway to
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go back to his office. Frankie looked at her eleven
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year old mutt with a focused concentration. No, that's what
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I thought. Artie offered a sincere smile and reached down
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to scratch Martha behind the ear. Martha immediately collapsed on
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top of his feet, clearly exhausted from having to move
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so much in a single morning. Artie had never been
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a devoted animal lover, but he'd found a soft spot
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for this wire haired Schnauzer mix presently snoozing on his shoelaces.
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Frankie snapped her fingers. Only Artie was trained well enough
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to look at her. We need another dog. Frankie immediately
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swished into the kitchen where she picked up the house
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phone and dialed her instructor. And this is how Frankie
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and Artie and Martha got Barry. Now Barry had potential,
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which is what Frankie and everyone in Frankie's class insisted upon.
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Artie was, I'm so sure the dog seemed to have
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a problem, the problem being where to put his teeth. Yeah,
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Barry was a biter. He was also a barker and
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a peer on the bathroom floor. But Artie was able
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to ignore the ladder since he was so afraid of
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Barry's mouth attaching itself to his thigh or arm or jugular.
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Artie would jump when the dog would growl at him.
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In the middle of the night, when he got up
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to use the toilet or for some water, he found
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himself sleeping around the house, avoiding rooms where the labrador
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slash Satanic mix was sleeping. And he really, really really
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didn't like it. When that Saturday, Frankie suggested demanded that
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they all go on a walk together. Obviously agreed, it's
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a walk. We can all take a walk. We have
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to walk. Barry and I both feel confined. Artie nodded,
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because it's hard to argue with a walk, especially on
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a nice day, especially with a dog, or want to
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be dog trainer. In the specific case, you need to
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eat before we go, I made you a sandwich. Frankie
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placed two plates on the kitchen counter, boasting toppling turkey
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sandwiches and a pickle on the side of each. Artie
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wasn't hungry. He didn't like turkey sandwiches. He also didn't
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know why his wife of six months didn't know this,
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but it was rare that she made him lun and
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so he choked down more than half of it and
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listened to Barry's training progress. Frankie insisted that walks were
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bonding opportunities for Artie and Frankie. When outdoors and on
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a leash, both males could feel free, but with a
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clear boundary of who was in charge Artie. Artie wasn't
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sure about any of this, but he loaded up the
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car like Frankie demanded, remembering the collapsible water bowl since
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he never liked to see Martha thirsty. He also remembered
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sunscreen and leashes and a back. What he forgot was
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Barry's collar. Now, why Barry wasn't wearing a collar in
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the first place, has something to do with the particular
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and it should be added expensive training method that Frankie
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was studying. It doesn't matter now, But the collar was
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hanging on a hook in the mudroom when the family
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packed up their Subaru hatchback and drove out to one
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of the most popular hiking trails in the area. No
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one noticed the oversight until they got to the trailhead
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and unpacked the car. Shit, was Artie's helpful response, It
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doesn't matter. Frankie moved with the same mixture of decisiveness
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and exasperation that she gave everything she did. All we
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have to do is put the clasp through the handle
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and it actually makes its own training collar. It might
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even be better this way. In retrospect, Artie, Martha, and
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possibly even Barry thought that this was a terrible idea,
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but having no other real choice than them, they listened
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to Frankie. Martha didn't need a caller or a leash
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for that matter. She simply followed the family until she
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needed to nap under a tree, and would do so
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and wait for them to come back. The irony of
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this situation is that Martha was an impeccably trained dog
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who had never received any dog training. Now Barry that
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was another story. Barry did not like the lack of collar,
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or the new leash contraption, or Artie for that matter,
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but Frankie insisted that her new man walk her newer man.
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You have to show him dominance, she insisted, thrusting the
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end of the leash to her cynical husband, who wasn't
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sure he'd ever dominated anything in his life other than
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a root canal. But Artie did as he was told.
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He knew how to take direction. That's why he'd become
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so successful in his new sales company. He understood what
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people wanted, and he went to great lengths to make
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sure that he was the only one who could get
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it for them. So Artie took the end of the leash,
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even though he really, really really didn't want to. The
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trail was steady that day, lots of very serious hikers
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sporting lots of very serious gear, and also lots of
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regular people in regular birkenstocks walking the exact same path.
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Artie placed himself squarely in the middle of these two groups,
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as he wore running shoes with dress socks and cargo
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shorts and a backpack from the late nineties. You get
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the picture. Frankie looked like she had googled professional dog
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trainer and had bought all of the clothes that the
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first person on a pinteress board was wearing. Other dog
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owners sensed her energy and nodded to her with deference,
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or at least that's what Frankie saw. Artie saw normal
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people with normal pops, looking terrified at the panting beast
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attached to the end of his leash. Keep him close
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to you. If he's looking at you, he's focusing on you.
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