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To the restless, the insomniacs, the stressed out, the overwork
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the doom scrollers, the worried, and the board. This is
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for you. Good writing is meant to make you think.
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This is the opposite. Short, funny, and unfortunately true stories
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that have mostly to do with nothing to help you
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turn off your brain and turn on your rim. All
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names have been changed to protect the guilty. These are
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anxiety addicts, bedtime stories.
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The marriage was supposed to last. Arty met Frankie at
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a photography exhibit in Kennebunkport, Maine, and was immediately almost
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magnetically drawn to the woman in the green velvet duster coat.
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He'd tried to watch her discreetly from across the room,
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holding his plastic cup of room temperature sharp in his
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right hand while adjusting his glasses with his left hand
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to try for a second, longer look. She'd walk up
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to each piece, squint at the photo from a bit
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too close up, and then exactly fifteen seconds later, spin
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on her heel and make her way to the next picture.
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The execution of her decision making was something that Artie
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admired in all people, and especially women. He lived according
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to a very different metronome. Artie was someone who took
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his time. This made it difficult to start a conversation
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with Frankie. She just didn't stay in one place for
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very long, and he usually did. Artie scooched his way
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over to the section of the exhibit boasting landscapes of
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their northern state with snow capped mountains jetting up from
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rocky beaches. He stood a room's length away from this
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fairy tale looking woman, summoning the balls just to stand
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next to her and will his mouth are talking? But
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each time Artie convinced his body and brain to make
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a literal and metaphorical move. His fifteen seconds were up
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and Frankie had gone on to look at something else.
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So he followed her from one picture to the next,
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from wildlife photography to grainy black and whites of shopkeepers
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and fishermen to landscapes of sunset colored trees. In October,
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after he had trailed her coat to at least six
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different artists work, she spent an extra four seconds in
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front of a large format image of a lighthouse and asked,
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without turning her sharply featured head, is this the nice
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kind of following? Or the creepy kind. She paused for
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maybe an entire breath. Well, Artie usually liked to take
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a moment or two before he spoke to people. He
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preferred to carefully select his words from his life's dictionary.
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Frankie did not have time for this kind of cerebral retrieval.
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The nice kind he sputtered, even though he had a
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mental disaurus with a much more or impressive vocabulary. See
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Artie had lived, he wasn't what his mother, Gertrude, would
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have called a spring chicken. He'd gone to school in
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the sixties to become a dentist, which was a profession
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Gertrude had decided for him decades earlier, when young Artie
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had been fascinated by the loss of his first tooth
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at five years old. His career destiny had been decided,
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and he wasn't mad about the choice of profession. Even
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though she'd been gone for a decade. He still admired
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his mother for her decision making skills, and his mother
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wasn't wrong about his fit in the world of dental arts.
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He liked dentistry school. He liked the idea of opening
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up his own practice. He'd met his first wife Sam
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during their final year, and they'd gotten married and had
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two children. They were never happy. Artie got the idea
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that Sam loved their dental hygienist more than she loved him,
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and their relationship fizzled by the time their kids were
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in high school. That was when already realized that he
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hated reaching his hands into people's mouth, and he hated
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the thought of ever reaching his hand into another person's
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mouth ever again. So he started an online business selling
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medical equipment where no one had the opportunity to cough
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on him. It was a good setup. He worked from
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home before that was like a whole thing where his
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entire day was under his control. He didn't have to
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talk to anyone. He made his own coffee and his
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own hours, and communicated to anyone that he needed to
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by email in a completely germ free environment. Some days
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he realized that if one of his kids didn't call
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to say hi or to ask for the four hundredth
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time the digits of their social Security number, he didn't
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speak a single word out loud to anyone. Earlier that day,
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he'd cut his finger opening up a can of tuna
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and had been startled by the person who snapped, Oh shit,
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he didn't remember the sound of his own voice. This
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was not going to be a good sign for his
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golden years. Artie may have lived to a more a
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daggio templed symphony, but he was nothing if not a
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proactive man. He'd gotten a band aid from the kitchen
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first aid kit, finished making his lunch and opened up
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the local paper. He flipped to the art section and
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decided rather quickly for him upon this specific photography gallery
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opening for no other reason than to get out of
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the house and to speak to other humans in real
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life that very day. He hadn't had any romantic aspirations
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for the night, hadn't thought twice when he'd pulled out
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his cottonellbean sweater in case the night got cool, looking
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unintentionally put together, and he wasn't planning on meeting a woman,
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and he'd certainly never met a woman before. Like Frankie,
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he spent the remainder of the evening following her to
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the exhibit entitled Local Heroes were stark close up photographs
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of nurses and fishing guides and the pound's local ice
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cream parlor owners were printed with such extreme detail and
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clarity that they looked as if they could start talking
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to you without any additional help from the artist. Artie
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learned that Frankie was also divorced, a practicing lawyer, and
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had a daughter living in the city. Frankie spoke passionately
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about the law and the art in the gallery and
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her present hankering for some ice cream. After seeing those
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photos and that night Artie was on he immediately looked
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up the hours of Sam Hill's sweet shop, saw that
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it was opened for another twenty two minutes, and insisted
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upon whisking Frankie across the bridge for some butter pecan
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and a waffle cone. As they sat on the aging
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picnic table, they ate their ice cream and laughed about
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the life circumstances that had brought the two of them
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to this exact moment. Artie put his arm around her
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as they listened to the tides splash against the hulls
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of the boats resting in the harbor. The next night,
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they went to the little Italian joint off of Main
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Street and shared the lasagna that was made with someone's
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known as secret recipe. The courtship or whatever people of
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that generation would have called it didn't last long. Soon
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enough Frankie had moved her clothes and art and books
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and old dog Martha into Artie's postmodern cabin by the water.
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It was cozy, it was happy, and the two fit
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together as if they'd known each other forever but hadn't
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packed any painful baggage along the way. Thus is the
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allure of second marriages. In the other they each found
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a fresh start, a new beginning, a clean slate, if
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you will, which is why, after a small ceremony out
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on the dock, Frankie announced over a dinner of homemade
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biliabase that she was going to quit her work as
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a lawyer and become, yes, of course, obviously a dog trainer.
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Both Martha and Artie cocked an eyebrow. Apparently this had
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always been Frankie's dream, but her financial and civic minded
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ambitions had pushed her into the legal profession. Dog training
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was her passion, and now that she had a second
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chance at a meaningful relationship, she wanted a second chance
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with her work too. Okay, Frankie threw herself into canine
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training with the same intensity that she devoted to everything
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else in her life. When Artie would open up the
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door and it was home office for a bathroom break
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or a glass of seltzer. His wife would be standing
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in the living room, a fanny pack full of dog
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treats at her waist, and poor old Martha lying down
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and getting up and barely lifting her front leg and
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inch off the ground. When Frankie instructed, Paw, do you
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do you really think that Martha should have to go
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through all of this? Already asked, holding a glass full
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with a lime wedge, he crossed through the hallway to
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go back to his office. Frankie looked at her eleven
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year old mutt with a focused concentration. No, that's what
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I thought. Artie offered a sincere smile and reached down
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to scratch Martha behind the ear. Martha immediately collapsed on
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top of his feet, clearly exhausted from having to move
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so much in a single morning. Artie had never been
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a devoted animal lover, but he'd found a soft spot
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for this wire haired Schnauzer mix presently snoozing on his shoelaces.
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Frankie snapped her fingers. Only Artie was trained well enough
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to look at her. We need another dog. Frankie immediately
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swished into the kitchen where she picked up the house
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phone and dialed her instructor. And this is how Frankie
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and Artie and Martha got Barry. Now Barry had potential,
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which is what Frankie and everyone in Frankie's class insisted upon.
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Artie was, I'm so sure the dog seemed to have
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a problem, the problem being where to put his teeth. Yeah,
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Barry was a biter. He was also a barker and
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a peer on the bathroom floor. But Artie was able
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to ignore the ladder since he was so afraid of
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Barry's mouth attaching itself to his thigh or arm or jugular.
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Artie would jump when the dog would growl at him.
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In the middle of the night, when he got up
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to use the toilet or for some water, he found
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himself sleeping around the house, avoiding rooms where the labrador
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slash Satanic mix was sleeping. And he really, really really
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didn't like it. When that Saturday, Frankie suggested demanded that
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they all go on a walk together. Obviously agreed, it's
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a walk. We can all take a walk. We have
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to walk. Barry and I both feel confined. Artie nodded,
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because it's hard to argue with a walk, especially on
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a nice day, especially with a dog, or want to
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be dog trainer. In the specific case, you need to
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eat before we go, I made you a sandwich. Frankie
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placed two plates on the kitchen counter, boasting toppling turkey
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sandwiches and a pickle on the side of each. Artie
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wasn't hungry. He didn't like turkey sandwiches. He also didn't
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know why his wife of six months didn't know this,
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but it was rare that she made him lun and
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so he choked down more than half of it and
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listened to Barry's training progress. Frankie insisted that walks were
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bonding opportunities for Artie and Frankie. When outdoors and on
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a leash, both males could feel free, but with a
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clear boundary of who was in charge Artie. Artie wasn't
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sure about any of this, but he loaded up the
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car like Frankie demanded, remembering the collapsible water bowl since
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he never liked to see Martha thirsty. He also remembered
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sunscreen and leashes and a back. What he forgot was
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Barry's collar. Now, why Barry wasn't wearing a collar in
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the first place, has something to do with the particular
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and it should be added expensive training method that Frankie
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was studying. It doesn't matter now, But the collar was
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hanging on a hook in the mudroom when the family
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packed up their Subaru hatchback and drove out to one
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of the most popular hiking trails in the area. No
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one noticed the oversight until they got to the trailhead
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and unpacked the car. Shit, was Artie's helpful response, It
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doesn't matter. Frankie moved with the same mixture of decisiveness
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and exasperation that she gave everything she did. All we
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have to do is put the clasp through the handle
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and it actually makes its own training collar. It might
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even be better this way. In retrospect, Artie, Martha, and
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possibly even Barry thought that this was a terrible idea,
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but having no other real choice than them, they listened
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to Frankie. Martha didn't need a caller or a leash
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for that matter. She simply followed the family until she
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needed to nap under a tree, and would do so
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and wait for them to come back. The irony of
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this situation is that Martha was an impeccably trained dog
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who had never received any dog training. Now Barry that
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was another story. Barry did not like the lack of collar,
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or the new leash contraption, or Artie for that matter,
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but Frankie insisted that her new man walk her newer man.
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You have to show him dominance, she insisted, thrusting the
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end of the leash to her cynical husband, who wasn't
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sure he'd ever dominated anything in his life other than
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a root canal. But Artie did as he was told.
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He knew how to take direction. That's why he'd become
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so successful in his new sales company. He understood what
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people wanted, and he went to great lengths to make
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sure that he was the only one who could get
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it for them. So Artie took the end of the leash,
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even though he really, really really didn't want to. The
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trail was steady that day, lots of very serious hikers
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sporting lots of very serious gear, and also lots of
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regular people in regular birkenstocks walking the exact same path.
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Artie placed himself squarely in the middle of these two groups,
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as he wore running shoes with dress socks and cargo
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shorts and a backpack from the late nineties. You get
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the picture. Frankie looked like she had googled professional dog
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trainer and had bought all of the clothes that the
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first person on a pinteress board was wearing. Other dog
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owners sensed her energy and nodded to her with deference,
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or at least that's what Frankie saw. Artie saw normal
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people with normal pops, looking terrified at the panting beast
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attached to the end of his leash. Keep him close
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to you. If he's looking at you, he's focusing on you.
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If he's focusing on you, he's not thinking about biting anyone.