WEBVTT
1
00:00:01.439 --> 00:00:05.919
To the restless, the insomniacs, the stressed out, the overwork
2
00:00:06.120 --> 00:00:10.439
the doom scrollers, the worried, and the board. This is
3
00:00:10.480 --> 00:00:13.720
for you. Good writing is meant to make you think.
4
00:00:14.400 --> 00:00:20.199
This is the opposite. Sure funny and unfortunately true stories
5
00:00:20.359 --> 00:00:23.039
that have mostly to do with nothing to help you
6
00:00:23.160 --> 00:00:27.120
turn off your brain and turn on your ram. All
7
00:00:27.199 --> 00:00:30.760
names have been changed to protect the guilty. These are
8
00:00:31.039 --> 00:00:33.719
anxiety addicts bedtime stories.
9
00:00:45.960 --> 00:00:50.320
Hey guys, Joe here, Thank you, thank you, thank you
10
00:00:50.560 --> 00:00:54.920
for sending in these fantastic stories. I'm especially excited about
11
00:00:54.960 --> 00:00:58.920
sharing this one about well, you know, we'll call them Justin.
12
00:01:00.520 --> 00:01:04.319
We change all the names and identifying characteristics, so there's
13
00:01:04.319 --> 00:01:07.200
no point in googling this dude at the end, even
14
00:01:07.200 --> 00:01:12.319
though you will definitely want to, let me introduce you
15
00:01:12.400 --> 00:01:17.280
to the man who owns this especially entertaining tale. Justin
16
00:01:17.480 --> 00:01:21.200
was born in Minneapolis to a chaotic family, and he
17
00:01:21.319 --> 00:01:25.799
survived by following every rule he ever encountered. Justin did
18
00:01:25.799 --> 00:01:28.359
not run on the concrete deck at the public pool.
19
00:01:28.760 --> 00:01:31.640
He never went to bed without brushing his teeth. He
20
00:01:31.760 --> 00:01:34.959
was five minutes early to every class, job, interview, and
21
00:01:35.040 --> 00:01:38.519
social engagement. He became a CPA for a large firm,
22
00:01:38.840 --> 00:01:41.959
and for ten straight years never clocked out a minute early,
23
00:01:42.519 --> 00:01:47.439
even though he probably should have. He missed out on
24
00:01:47.480 --> 00:01:49.719
a lot of fun parties over the years. As his
25
00:01:49.840 --> 00:01:53.400
firm worked for the government and social media was strictly forbidden.
26
00:01:54.319 --> 00:01:57.599
His company's leadership was terrified that one of their employees
27
00:01:57.599 --> 00:02:01.040
would be photographed in a compromising position and that they'd
28
00:02:01.079 --> 00:02:05.040
be ruined by the scandal. So Justin was a man
29
00:02:05.120 --> 00:02:09.000
who wore pleated dockers every day, didn't get to engage
30
00:02:09.039 --> 00:02:12.759
with friends on Facebook, and every year of his adult
31
00:02:12.800 --> 00:02:16.520
life had looked exactly like the year before it. And
32
00:02:16.560 --> 00:02:22.919
then he met Bianca, and everything changed. She was a
33
00:02:22.919 --> 00:02:26.159
free spirit. She showed up at the airport without a
34
00:02:26.199 --> 00:02:29.199
ticket or a clue where she was going. She raised
35
00:02:29.280 --> 00:02:32.680
chickens in the backyard of her little suburban neighborhood outside
36
00:02:32.680 --> 00:02:35.479
of the city. She could wear a tied die and
37
00:02:35.960 --> 00:02:41.199
actually make it look hot. He was smitten, and Beanca
38
00:02:41.400 --> 00:02:45.360
saw something in Justin, even though he couldn't. She called
39
00:02:45.400 --> 00:02:48.199
it his wild thing, just like in the children's book,
40
00:02:48.759 --> 00:02:53.439
and she swore that she would help him find it.
41
00:02:53.439 --> 00:02:57.400
It was Bianca who convinced him to quit his job. Truthfully,
42
00:02:57.520 --> 00:03:00.719
she wasn't even entirely sure what he did, since every
43
00:03:00.719 --> 00:03:03.960
time he attempted to explain his occupation, she fell asleep.
44
00:03:04.560 --> 00:03:10.000
Bianca didn't exactly have the bandwidth for middle management. Once
45
00:03:10.159 --> 00:03:13.520
the quitting was done and Justin had his panic attacks
46
00:03:13.560 --> 00:03:18.879
under control, they booked two round trip tickets to India.
47
00:03:19.560 --> 00:03:23.080
Justin purchased every photos and Lonely Planet guidebook that he
48
00:03:23.120 --> 00:03:27.280
could find. He googled travel hacks for India and bought
49
00:03:27.319 --> 00:03:31.240
freeze dried snacks, iodine tablets for his water, and two
50
00:03:31.439 --> 00:03:35.719
sunshirts from Patagonia since he had a family history of melanoma.
51
00:03:36.159 --> 00:03:40.400
Amid his obsessive packing, Bianca popped over with an idea.
52
00:03:40.879 --> 00:03:43.719
She carried a hiking backpack in one hand and a
53
00:03:43.719 --> 00:03:47.280
bottle of prosecco in the other. Justin looked up at
54
00:03:47.280 --> 00:03:50.319
his girlfriend, who often looked like a mermaid who just
55
00:03:50.360 --> 00:03:54.759
found her way to land. Bianca gestured to her backpack,
56
00:03:55.599 --> 00:04:01.280
what if we brought like nothing? Justin gave his mermaid
57
00:04:01.319 --> 00:04:05.960
girlfriend a look. Think about it. A smile began to
58
00:04:06.039 --> 00:04:09.919
spread across her face. We each bring two shirts and
59
00:04:09.960 --> 00:04:15.840
two pairs of shorts, toiletries, and literally nothing else. It'll
60
00:04:15.879 --> 00:04:19.480
be so freeing, so light. We won't care if our
61
00:04:19.560 --> 00:04:23.839
stuff gets stolen. We'll be totally mobile. We can go anywhere,
62
00:04:23.879 --> 00:04:26.480
and if we don't have anything or any luggage, it
63
00:04:26.519 --> 00:04:31.279
will be such an adventure. Justin looked around at his
64
00:04:31.439 --> 00:04:35.279
carefully labeled purchases for this wild trip, and then he
65
00:04:35.319 --> 00:04:39.639
looked at Bianca. And then he walked over to his closet,
66
00:04:39.920 --> 00:04:43.279
pulled out a small backpack, two pairs of workout shorts,
67
00:04:43.480 --> 00:04:46.759
two soccer jerseys, and tossed the clothes down on his
68
00:04:46.839 --> 00:04:50.120
bed with a smile. He'd already decided to wear the
69
00:04:50.160 --> 00:04:54.120
sun shirt on the plane. Nestled into their economy plus seats,
70
00:04:54.439 --> 00:04:58.319
Bianca had upgraded them with her miles. Bianca snapped photo
71
00:04:58.360 --> 00:05:02.040
after photo of her boyfriend eating his travel guide, ordering
72
00:05:02.079 --> 00:05:06.759
Bloody Mary's, and laughing as someone's mini Schnauzer therapy dog
73
00:05:07.199 --> 00:05:11.519
fell asleep on his thigh and started to drool. At first,
74
00:05:11.879 --> 00:05:15.040
Justin was so uncomfortable. He hadn't been in a photo
75
00:05:15.079 --> 00:05:18.519
in a decade. His company had strict rules about how
76
00:05:18.519 --> 00:05:22.160
their employees represented them, and of course, as we know,
77
00:05:22.879 --> 00:05:26.680
Justin followed rules. You have to cover your shoulders at
78
00:05:26.680 --> 00:05:29.839
all the religious monuments, Justin told Bianca, looking up from
79
00:05:29.839 --> 00:05:32.480
his book, and as a foreign woman, you have to
80
00:05:32.519 --> 00:05:36.319
be very mindful of not standing out and just fitting in.
81
00:05:36.800 --> 00:05:40.120
Some of these cities are a bit dangerous, and Bianca
82
00:05:40.160 --> 00:05:43.000
cut him off, putting her tanned hand on his leg.
83
00:05:43.560 --> 00:05:45.680
She had learned that move as a foolproof way to
84
00:05:45.720 --> 00:05:50.480
get Justin to stop talking. We're gonna be fine, she giggled.
85
00:05:51.079 --> 00:05:54.839
We will not stand out, We will be respectful tourists
86
00:05:54.879 --> 00:05:58.839
and blendon seamlessly, and no crazy pictures of you will
87
00:05:58.879 --> 00:06:02.399
wind up on the internet. She took a long, hard
88
00:06:02.439 --> 00:06:05.360
look at the man who she was definitely falling for.
89
00:06:06.879 --> 00:06:10.639
Even though it doesn't matter anymore, Justin wanted to protest
90
00:06:10.680 --> 00:06:13.680
that it might matter to his next employer, whomever that
91
00:06:13.720 --> 00:06:17.120
would be, but the look on Bianca's face made him
92
00:06:17.160 --> 00:06:22.920
pause and just sort of inhale. The moment landing in
93
00:06:23.000 --> 00:06:27.560
Mumbai was absolute chaos. The heat at the city felt
94
00:06:27.600 --> 00:06:31.959
like walking straight into a wall of solid sunshine. They
95
00:06:32.000 --> 00:06:35.000
both changed into their athletic shirts and felt pumped to
96
00:06:35.040 --> 00:06:38.720
start their adventure. Then they got to skip the baggage
97
00:06:38.759 --> 00:06:41.279
claim and hop on a local bus since they essentially
98
00:06:41.279 --> 00:06:44.680
had nothing with them. When they got to their first hotel,
99
00:06:45.199 --> 00:06:49.519
there was a sign that this trip might not go
100
00:06:50.120 --> 00:06:54.079
exactly as they had planned. In the check in line
101
00:06:54.120 --> 00:06:58.720
at the hotel, Justin swore he noticed various locals looking
102
00:06:58.759 --> 00:07:02.800
at him and pointing and whispering. He was worried about
103
00:07:02.800 --> 00:07:07.560
his shorts. These are too casual, he whispered to his girlfriend.
104
00:07:08.120 --> 00:07:11.439
I should have brought my khakis. Everyone is staring at
105
00:07:11.439 --> 00:07:16.800
my shorts. You're being paranoid, shrugged Bianca. We'll get to
106
00:07:16.839 --> 00:07:19.879
our room, shower and drink a lot of water. I'm
107
00:07:19.959 --> 00:07:25.480
sure we're both dehydrated. Side note, Bianca always thought dehydration
108
00:07:25.800 --> 00:07:29.519
was the cause of any person's ailment, no matter the situation.
109
00:07:31.600 --> 00:07:35.160
Shower and hydrate they did, and then went off to explore.
110
00:07:36.000 --> 00:07:39.639
They pushed through the bustling crowds at an outdoor market,
111
00:07:40.079 --> 00:07:43.600
took a rickshaw to a famous temple, and ate incredible
112
00:07:43.600 --> 00:07:46.639
street food. While sitting on their backpacks in a local park.
113
00:07:47.639 --> 00:07:50.720
Justin couldn't shake the feeling that people were smiling and
114
00:07:50.759 --> 00:07:54.160
pointing at him. Bianca was beginning to wonder how big
115
00:07:54.199 --> 00:07:57.879
a part of his personality this paranoia was, and briefly
116
00:07:57.920 --> 00:08:01.439
wondered if she'd read him totally wrong. Then she got
117
00:08:01.439 --> 00:08:06.639
her answer. Two local teenage boys holding an iPhone cautiously
118
00:08:06.680 --> 00:08:08.959
made their way over to the couple sitting by the
119
00:08:09.000 --> 00:08:14.040
park fountains. They offered two huge smiles, and then with
120
00:08:14.120 --> 00:08:20.560
some broken but understandable English, asked Justin a question, you
121
00:08:21.199 --> 00:08:26.439
are the cricket player. Uh okay, Now the last six
122
00:08:26.480 --> 00:08:30.279
hours made a little more sense. Justin was in great shape,
123
00:08:30.519 --> 00:08:33.639
a white dude, and was, for all intents and purposes,
124
00:08:33.960 --> 00:08:37.720
dressed like a cricket player. And those were the only
125
00:08:37.759 --> 00:08:42.159
clothes he had. It was kind of the shorts. He
126
00:08:42.200 --> 00:08:46.559
felt sorry for disappointing these two young men. No, not me,
127
00:08:46.720 --> 00:08:50.159
he replied. The teenager smiled at him as if they
128
00:08:50.200 --> 00:08:55.120
were in on the joke. Oh, yes, not you. Of course,
129
00:08:56.240 --> 00:08:59.519
we take a picture. The taller one reached out his
130
00:08:59.679 --> 00:09:04.399
armed take a selfie. Justin tried to protest, but they
131
00:09:04.399 --> 00:09:07.279
were having none of it. He put his arm around
132
00:09:07.279 --> 00:09:09.919
the two guys, let them snap a photo, and then
133
00:09:10.000 --> 00:09:14.039
sat back down to finish his lunch with Bianca. Unfortunately,
134
00:09:14.720 --> 00:09:18.240
it was a crowded park and one hundred people had
135
00:09:18.240 --> 00:09:23.600
witnessed this transaction, and now a hundred people wanted a
136
00:09:23.600 --> 00:09:26.399
photo with a cricket player who was not even really
137
00:09:26.440 --> 00:09:29.879
a cricket player, and somehow Justin and Bianca couldn't even
138
00:09:29.919 --> 00:09:33.519
get the name of who everyone thought he was. So
139
00:09:33.559 --> 00:09:38.240
for the next forty minutes, Justin felt like fiance. He
140
00:09:38.360 --> 00:09:43.120
posed with old people and young people and schoolgirls and
141
00:09:43.240 --> 00:09:47.320
guys in their twenties, dripping in fake gucci. Some would
142
00:09:47.360 --> 00:09:50.879
take off his sunglasses and wear them themselves for the pose.
143
00:09:51.960 --> 00:09:56.759
At first, Bianca was pretty entertained, and then she got
144
00:09:56.759 --> 00:10:00.480
pretty annoyed, and then she yelled at the or so
145
00:10:00.600 --> 00:10:03.279
people still waiting in line that her boyfriend needed to
146
00:10:03.279 --> 00:10:06.639
take a break and rest before the next match. The
147
00:10:06.720 --> 00:10:11.279
cricket fans seemed to understand this logic, and they dispersed
148
00:10:11.320 --> 00:10:13.200
for long enough for the couple to get out of
149
00:10:13.200 --> 00:10:15.879
the park and continue on their list of sight seeing
150
00:10:17.000 --> 00:10:20.879
kind of. They went from one attraction to another, from
151
00:10:21.000 --> 00:10:24.720
fun chy cafes to colorful temples, and at each in
152
00:10:24.840 --> 00:10:29.600
every stop, hundreds of people clamored for a selfie with Justin.
153
00:10:30.679 --> 00:10:33.000
What had started out as a gas for the couple
154
00:10:33.759 --> 00:10:36.000
was now turning into a real pain in the ass.
155
00:10:36.320 --> 00:10:40.200
That night, lying in bed on purple linen sheets, Bianca
156
00:10:40.279 --> 00:10:43.360
rolled over to Justin and suggested that they get out
157
00:10:43.440 --> 00:10:48.000
of the city soon, go somewhere less populated, try the mountains,
158
00:10:48.039 --> 00:10:52.840
and actually relax a bit and be together. Justin wholeheartedly agreed,
159
00:10:53.440 --> 00:10:57.159
musing about how many people's social media accounts he would
160
00:10:57.200 --> 00:11:01.559
be making a guest appearance on. They settled into their
161
00:11:01.600 --> 00:11:05.320
incense scented pillows and fell asleep to the sounds of
162
00:11:05.399 --> 00:11:09.000
the night life of the city below three days of
163
00:11:09.039 --> 00:11:12.159
exploring later. For their trip, Justin made sure to wear
164
00:11:12.200 --> 00:11:15.679
his hat, sunglasses, and Patagonia sunshirt, even though it was
165
00:11:15.759 --> 00:11:19.600
ninety degrees at nine a m. They made it from rickshat,
166
00:11:19.639 --> 00:11:22.440
a bus to another rickshat, and a three mile hike
167
00:11:22.559 --> 00:11:25.720
before they found themselves at the mountain side bath house.
168
00:11:26.440 --> 00:11:30.320
The place took their breath away. There were gardens populated
169
00:11:30.360 --> 00:11:32.799
by the most colorful flowers that either one of them
170
00:11:32.840 --> 00:11:37.799
had ever seen, Manicured pathways meandered into the mountain side
171
00:11:37.879 --> 00:11:41.639
over small bridges with clear streams, and a natural hot
172
00:11:41.679 --> 00:11:46.120
spring steaming out of the rock. It was gorgeous. Bianca
173
00:11:46.159 --> 00:11:50.120
remarked to Justin, this is probably the most relaxing place
174
00:11:50.120 --> 00:11:55.679
we've ever been. But Justin's face wasn't relaxed. He wasn't
175
00:11:55.720 --> 00:11:58.519
taking in the soft sounds of the water or the
176
00:11:58.559 --> 00:12:02.240
fragrant air of the garden. His forehead was pinched and
177
00:12:02.279 --> 00:12:05.440
his eyes heavy, like a man who both hadn't slept
178
00:12:05.799 --> 00:12:08.320
and carried the weight of the world on his shoulders.
179
00:12:09.039 --> 00:12:11.879
Bianca put her hand on his chest, stopping him before
180
00:12:11.919 --> 00:12:16.039
they entered the spa. Justin, come on, what's the deal
181
00:12:16.080 --> 00:12:21.120
with you? Justin didn't want to ruin this incredible experience
182
00:12:21.240 --> 00:12:24.200
for Bianca. He truly wanted to be able to let
183
00:12:24.320 --> 00:12:28.399
go and enjoy this magical time together. But as he
184
00:12:28.559 --> 00:12:31.840
laid in bed last night, instead of counting sheep, he
185
00:12:31.919 --> 00:12:37.000
counted selfie's. He imagined his face all over Facebook India
186
00:12:37.039 --> 00:12:40.360
with thousands, if not tens of thousands of eyes on
187
00:12:40.480 --> 00:12:44.639
his image. He imagined picture after picture being pulled up
188
00:12:44.679 --> 00:12:47.559
on a desktop monitor every time he applied for a
189
00:12:47.639 --> 00:12:52.000
job downtown in the financial district. He imagined that his
190
00:12:52.159 --> 00:12:58.159
life as he knew it was over. He paused, took
191
00:12:58.200 --> 00:13:02.399
a deep inhale, and tried to exhale all of these
192
00:13:02.440 --> 00:13:07.080
anxieties out to his patient, strong and loving girlfriend. At
193
00:13:07.080 --> 00:13:10.559
the end of his diatribe, he avoided her eyes sheepishly.
194
00:13:11.399 --> 00:13:14.519
She probably thought that he was a guy without any
195
00:13:14.600 --> 00:13:18.360
real adventure, and that wasn't the case. He'd just never
196
00:13:18.440 --> 00:13:21.720
had real freedom in his life before. He'd never had
197
00:13:21.759 --> 00:13:25.799
physical freedom, or financial freedom, or freedom and love. And
198
00:13:25.879 --> 00:13:29.000
here he was with all of those pieces, and yet
199
00:13:29.159 --> 00:13:33.480
he could not complete his own puzzle. Bianca wrapped her
200
00:13:33.559 --> 00:13:39.200
arms around her worried lover, but she offered quietly, all
201
00:13:39.240 --> 00:13:41.639
of the photos will be tagged with some other guy's name.
202
00:13:42.320 --> 00:13:45.360
In a way, it wasn't even you there in India.
203
00:13:45.840 --> 00:13:50.320
It was your cricket playing sunglass wearing alter ego, and
204
00:13:50.440 --> 00:13:55.360
your alter ego can do anything. Justin looked at his girlfriend,
205
00:13:55.600 --> 00:13:59.399
and as he'll tell anyone twenty years later, that's when
206
00:13:59.399 --> 00:14:01.919
he swore that he would do whatever it took to
207
00:14:02.000 --> 00:14:05.519
marry her. When they checked into the spa, the manager
208
00:14:05.720 --> 00:14:08.679
pointed Bianca to the direction of the women's spot to
209
00:14:08.720 --> 00:14:11.720
the right and Justin to the men's spot to the left.
210
00:14:12.399 --> 00:14:16.039
They were confused until they separately settled into their mountainside
211
00:14:16.039 --> 00:14:20.120
hot spring's bath and noticed that the property was fully nude.
212
00:14:20.879 --> 00:14:23.720
Bianca later head back and took a moment to completely
213
00:14:23.720 --> 00:14:26.080
bliss out in the pool on the left side of
214
00:14:26.120 --> 00:14:30.639
the mountain. Justin tried to do the same. He was
215
00:14:30.879 --> 00:14:34.080
just counting his breaths, like his most recent self help
216
00:14:34.080 --> 00:14:36.720
book had suggested. When he noticed out of the corner
217
00:14:36.799 --> 00:14:41.639
of his eye a young man inching closer and closer
218
00:14:41.639 --> 00:14:50.120
to him. Justin continued counting, seventy three, seventy four, seventy.
219
00:14:50.240 --> 00:14:53.720
Mister Justin opened his eyes to a fit young man
220
00:14:53.759 --> 00:14:56.399
of no more than twenty staring right at him. You
221
00:14:56.440 --> 00:15:01.399
play cricket. Justin's immediate reaction was the same, no, to
222
00:15:01.480 --> 00:15:04.960
take a small towel, cover his nether regions and go
223
00:15:05.000 --> 00:15:07.720
find a private pool, or a shower or a tree
224
00:15:07.759 --> 00:15:11.759
to hide in. But then he had a fleeting thought,
225
00:15:11.519 --> 00:15:15.240
what would his alter ego do? Would his alter ego
226
00:15:15.360 --> 00:15:18.840
hide in shame? Would he cower in the face of discomfort?
227
00:15:19.559 --> 00:15:22.759
And Justin decided right then and there that the alter
228
00:15:22.919 --> 00:15:26.200
ego was the one whom Bianca would be most likely
229
00:15:26.240 --> 00:15:28.840
to marry, and he was going to have to make
230
00:15:28.919 --> 00:15:33.039
room for that in his life. He lifted up his sunglasses,
231
00:15:33.440 --> 00:15:36.519
unbeknownst to him, looking even more like the very famous
232
00:15:36.519 --> 00:15:40.200
cricket player, and smiled at the man. He felt his
233
00:15:40.279 --> 00:15:44.039
heart pounding in his chest. Why not because he was
234
00:15:44.080 --> 00:15:46.799
about to take a picture with a stranger while impersonating
235
00:15:46.799 --> 00:15:50.159
a celebrity. No, he'd done that one hundred times leading
236
00:15:50.200 --> 00:15:53.279
up to the moment. Because he was totally naked with
237
00:15:53.399 --> 00:15:58.320
the stranger. No, that wasn't it either. His heart was
238
00:15:58.440 --> 00:16:01.200
jackhammering because he was a about to unleash a piece
239
00:16:01.240 --> 00:16:05.919
of himself that he'd spent his entire life avoiding. Justin