July 2, 2025

RAD RERUN!!! Never Speak Of This Again

RAD RERUN!!! Never Speak Of This Again
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Ok, so pretend that you're a wild party girl in England in your 20s and you have the absolute most ridiculous mishap ever-- with a sex toy. Then imagine that you know the ER doc well... Like, really well.

And then, please, like and subscribe!!

๐ŸŒˆ Lost your EarPods? Procrastinating at your computer? Hate the sound of Jo's voice? Then you're in luck!

๐Ÿ€ All episodes are available for your reading pleasure at www.anxietyaddictsbedtimestories.com

๐Ÿ“š Love the stories?

๐Ÿ‘„ Have one to tell?

โฐ Only have three minutes? It's SO easy to submit your own! Just click on: www.anxietyaddictsbedtimestories.com/contact

โœ๏ธ How does it work?

๐Ÿ‘€ Is it annoying?

๐Ÿ‘ฎ Will the cops find me? You send three short sentences and we do the rest. It's less annoying than anything else in your inbox. And we change all names and identifying characteristics so the only thing knocking on your door after midnight is hopefully someone you invited.

๐Ÿ† Want funny pics? Links to the latest story? And videos of all the things stressing us the eff out? Lucky for you, our Insta is ๐Ÿ”ฅ Fire ๐Ÿ”ฅ So follow us here: @anxietyaddictsbedtimestories.

Need a 90-second life break to make you laugh and forget about the real world for an entire minute? Put your email in here for a good time: https://www.anxietyaddictsbedtimestories.com/Sweet dreams...xoxo

Jo & Morgan

WEBVTT

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To the restless, the insomniacs, the stressed out, the overwork

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the doom scrollers, the worried, and the board. This is

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for you. Good writing is meant to make you think.

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This is the opposite. Short, funny, and unfortunately true stories

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that have mostly to do with nothing to help you

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turn off your brain and turn on your rim. All

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names have been changed to protect the guilty. These are

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anxiety addicts bedtime stories.

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Hannah did not like the front page article of her

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usual news website. It was about birth order, and it

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was totally on point, and it irritated the shit out

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of her. The youngest of four, Yeah, she'd grown up

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a bit differently than her brothers and sisters. Sick of

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hearing from her older siblings about how easy she'd had it,

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about how they'd broken in their mom and dad for her,

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how she'd had the freedom that they never could have fathomed.

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Hannah assumed that now that they were all more or

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less fully functioning adults, they could move on to a

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new conversation, like how Manchester United was doing, or how

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Hannah's career as a news reporter for their local station

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was taking off. Hannah was twenty five years old and

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didn't want to hear one more word about being the

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baby of the family and this alleged peter Pan syndrome

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she was living. There were other dinner conversation topics out there,

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she was pretty sure of it. Walking through Shoreditch on

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her way home from the studio, Hannah was on her

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regular everyday call with her mother. She would wrap up

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her work around five point thirty, trade out her heels

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for her trainers, pop in her ear pods, and call Mom.

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They'd chat about whatever was going on at home, which

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was oftentimes an exercise and redundancy, since Hannah came home

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seven blocks away at least three times a week for

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laundry and and sometimes more often if she'd had a

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bad date or needed pampering to recover from a dentist appointment.

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Five minutes into their conversation, as Hannah crossed Columbia Road,

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her phone beeped with a call waiting from her eldest brother, Ugh, Mom,

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just a sack, it's Dennis. Hannah switched over. Dennis never

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felt the need to start a conversation with pleasantries. He

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was a doctor at the A and E, which is

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Britain's er Accident and recovery was the perfect fit for

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a brain like Dennis's. He was too smart for his

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own good, terrible with people, and astonishingly excellent under pressure.

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So he got to treat patients with acute conditions, diagnose, operate,

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and not have to have a meaningful conversation with anybody.

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It should go without saying that he was still single,

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even with all the setups from his mom's book club.

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He was calling to vent. I popped by the house

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to deliver a new vitamin to father, and I saw

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all of your things everywhere. Hannah tried to exhale her

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secret evening cigarette without him hearing. Luckily, when Dennis was

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on a chair, he generally only listened to himself. You

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have to grow up, Hannah. You can't have your parents

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take care of you forever. It's why no one wants

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to date you. Oh really, Hannah tried not to snort

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pot and kettle much. I'm not keen on having this

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conversation with you. Dennis took a breath. She could sense

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him trying to mitigate his emotions, which was not her

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brother's strong suit. I'm just saying it's no good for

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you to rely on them for every Hannah interrupted, can

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I call you back, I'm on the other line, with

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whom Dennis shot back. Hannah had no choice but to

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hang up on him. When she got back to her apartment,

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a basket of folded laundry sat on her stoop. A

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note in her mother's loopy cursive lay on the top. Darling,

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Dennis says, we need to stop doing wash. I fear

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he's right. I love you. Hannah reached down for the basket.

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She felt a sting in her gut. She didn't have

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a washer, and the closest launderette was eight blocks away,

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further than her parents home. Hannah huffed her way up

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three flights of stairs with her arms full of clean nickers.

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She patted Peaky, her ten year old Siamese cat, and

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plopped down on the sofa to binge some terrible reality

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television until she needed to get ready for her hinge

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date at the pub downstairs. Her phone dinged, it was Dennis.

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This conversation isn't over, really, I think it is. Hannah

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rolled her eyes at Peaky, who seemed to unequivocally agree

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with her. Her fingers raced across her screen like only

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a gen zer could pull off. I'm just fine. Mom

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likes my company. At least I give them attention. She'd

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barely pressed sent when Dennis's retort flew in, you need

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to grow up. Stop asking everyone else to take care

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of you. Okay. For the most part, Hannah knew better

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than to tell Dennis to piss off. As her mom

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often said about her firstborn, his delivery was terrible, but

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his message was well meaning. This irritated her. Maybe it

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was because she was hungry, Maybe it was because the

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specific internet date had been canceled twice and she was wary.

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Or maybe it was because deep down she knew that

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there was some truth to his scolding. It didn't matter.

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Hannah was solidly peeved. She patted into her tiny apartment kitchen,

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which she'd started painting blue after a late night TikTok

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in Spo video and had never finished. There, she stood

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in front of the freezer and ate a few spoonfuls

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of ice cream right out of the container. Toweling off

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her hair. After a satisfyingly hot shower with her special conditioner,

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Hannah was finishing her makeup, dressed to the nines, ignoring

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the texts from Dennis where he was not taking the hint.

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When she heard the specific chime of the hinge app

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Hannah knew the date was canceled before she actually read

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the text. Was she being catfished? Had Paul, as he

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said his name, was found a better date, someone with

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their own condominium and a master's degree, or had Dennis

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somehow managed to break into her account and message her

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suitor with a list of her faults, including her inability

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to manage her washing without the help of her sixty

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year old mother. It didn't matter. Hannah put down her

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phone with her canceled date and stared into her makeup mirror.

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She didn't look like a loser. She looked put together.

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She'd been on camera at the station for the last

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eighteen months and had collected a wardrobe that projected a competent, young,

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professional woman. Her honey blonde hair looked terrific pulled back

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into a sleek bun, and her freshly shaved and moisturized

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skin shown more because she was twenty five, and less

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because she ate all of her vegetables. But how would

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anyone else know that she'd gone through all this trouble

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to have a fun and exciting romp in the hay

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is a good start to her weekend. Truthfully, she'd been

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messaging and pseudo cyberstocking this specific man for well over

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a month and had a fully formed fantasy of both

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six hours and sixty years with him. Hannah took a

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more critical look at her perfectly applied winged eyeliner. Online

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dating sucked. She erased Paul's messages from her phone and

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slumped into the chair at her dressing table. What a

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waste of time blow drying in her good products. Now

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what was she going to do? Her two best girlfriends

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also had dates planned for the night, where one would

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be getting perfectly tipsy and the other would be getting

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perfectly drunk. She could go to the pub by herself.

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She'd certainly spend enough time getting ready, But her heart

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wasn't in pretending to be interested in a professional adjacent

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footballer just to be taken to a dirty flat chalk

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full of roommates. But she wasn't just going to sit

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home either. Hannah pulled on her coat and trainers, said

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bye to Peeky, and headed out for a walk. It

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was a place to start. She put in her ear buds,

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stopped herself midway from dialing her mom and instead listened

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to a little Nicki Minaj to keep her spirits up.

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She may have allowed herself a second secret cigarette. She

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wandered through her old neighborhood, full of cute shops and

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cobblestone streets, until she came to the next set of blocks,

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the part of town that had always been a bit seaedier.

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The area had been the place to go pubbing when

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she'd been under age before university, Hannah and her friends

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would borrow clothes from their older sisters, style themselves in

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the most mature way they could fathom, and walk into

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these watering holes with fake ideas that couldn't a fooled peaky.

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She smiled to herself, remembering those silly nights, feeling momentarily

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superior and grown up. The neon glow of pink and

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green from a tiny shop front caught her attention. As

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Hannah walked further down the road to investigate. She was

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surprised that she'd never noticed this place before. The store

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was small and an all glass front with frosted windows

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and strategically splattered gold paint flakes made it seem like

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a posh jewelry store or a secret champagne tasting room.

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Both of those possibilities piqued Hannah's interest. She pressed the

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glossy red bell to the right of the door and

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waited for a few seconds to be buzzed in. A

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woman in a black turtleneck and leather pants sat at

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a glass desk at the back of the shop. She

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had porcelain skin and dark eyes, and a look that

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quietly whispered sophistication in a way that Hannah was immediately

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convinced that she herself would never experience. The woman gave

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her a smile without moving her face. Please, come in,

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what are you looking for tonight? It was at that

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moment that Hannah realized she had no idea what this

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specific store specifically sold. That's when she looked at the

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wall on her li left. On polished shelves with brass

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brackets were impressive displays of glass and gold. What each

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objets dar was a different size with a slightly different curve.

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Some sat upon little thrones that appeared to be plugged

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into discrete outlets. Lining the wall to her right were

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beautiful jars shaped like expensive perfume bottles, and on the

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ceiling were leather straps and Oh my god, this was

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a sex shop. Hannah being Hannah, only needed half a

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second after realizing where she was to be totally fine

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with where she was. She smiled at the shopkeeper. Because

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she was twenty five, she could move her whole face.

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What do you suggest? The woman in black reached under

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her desk, pulled out a chrome box, and placed it

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on the glass top. This is the finest of its kind,

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a new company out of Switzerland. We've just received a shipment.

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There was a waitlist, but I can sell you this.

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Hannah tried not to gasp as the woman's slid silk

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gloves over her hands to demonstrate the abilities of the

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Hope diamond of dildo's. It looks like magic. It shook

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and whistled and performed starts and stops like a well

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rehearsed orchestra. The top moved at a different speed than

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the bottom. The buttons on the remote, yeah it had

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a remote, were sleek, like they'd been born from an

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apple product. The chrome sparkled, reflecting the sexy lighting of

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the shop. She was mesmerized. Even the woman in black

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appeared briefly hypnotized by the piece. Hannah's irritation with being

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stood up, the glimmer of the piece of art, and

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her proclivity for impulse shopping all got the best of her.

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I'll take it, of course, said the woman in black,

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looking pleased. Without twitching a muscle, she placed it back

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in its velvet lined box, wrapped the package in tissue paper,

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and then slid it into a real leather bag. That

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would be three hundred and forty seven pounds. Hannah gasped.

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That was more than she presently had in her checking account,

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which was not her fault. She'd spent quite a lot lately,

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again not her fault. How could she have said no

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to the wine tasting in Paris, or the Tom Brown

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saale or the and before she knew what her hands

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were doing, Hannah fished her parents' emergencies only credit card

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out of her wallet. A thought briefly flashed through her

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mind that maybe Dennis was right about a few things,

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but she pushed it right out of her head so

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she could focus on getting this new purchase out of

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the store and into her apartment as quickly as humanly possible.

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It was a good thing that Hannah was wearing her sneakers.

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She scribbled her name across the bottom of the receipt

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using the shop's heavy ink pen, and left the Gucci

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of sex stores with a woman in bloe black type

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smile on her face. She dashed through the cobblestone streets,

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past the raucous pubs where the smokers congregated outside the door,

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and jingled her key into her lock, practically skipping up

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all three flights of stairs this time. When she came home,

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she only said a quick hello to Peaky. She was

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interested in a much different kitty. Sorry, we had to,

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Hannah dimmed her lights, hopped into bed and unwrapped, truly

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the fanciest gift that anyone had ever purchased for her.

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She briefly glanced at the book of directions, but they

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were in Swedish, so she tossed them to the floor,

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and then she got down to business into bed, taking

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off her laziest undergarments and pressing the same buttons that

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the woman in black hat only half an hour before.

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This was the life, wasn't it. Why did her entire

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generation believe that they needed a man to be happy?

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What was wrong with her existence? She loved her job,

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she was good at it. She had an adorable apartment

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and a great part of town. Life was good. Why

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was she letting her single status cloud which should be

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the best years of her life? Okay? Was she slightly immature? Yeah? Maybe, okay, fine,

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but her parents loved doing things for her and having

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her around the house, and didn't they Hannah pressed another button.

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Oh my, holy, what the what? Yes? Yes, yes, this

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thing was great. It was fabulous, This gilded machine was

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so much more than she ever dreamed it could be.

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A man had never been able to read her mind

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like this little buzzing thing was doing. She let out

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a sigh that she was sure her neighbors could hear,

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but Hannah did not care. It was worth every penny

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that wasn't hers. Hannah was a convert. She was done dating.

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She was done letting buggers on the internet string her along.

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She was done spending hours on hair and makeup and

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outfits only to be Hannah's angry thoughts were interrupted by

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the pure joy this stunning toy was providing. She pressed

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another button, and then another. This thing was magic. It

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was really better than any man she'd ever been with.

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It was perfect, it was incredible, and oh wait, it

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was on fire. Before Hannah could pull it out of

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her most sensitive region. The newly acquired purchased was hissing

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and sparking like a toaster with a spoon in it.

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Hannah screamed, even with her windows closed and the music

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blaring downstairs. Some of the pup goers swear they heard

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the noise. The pain that rushed through Hannah's body was

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incomprehensible to her recently satisfied brain. She threw the fire

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spewing contraption onto the floor, stomping it out with the

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wet towel she'd left there few hours earlier. Hannah wailed

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and whimpered, tears streaming down her face and puddling on

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the wood floor. Hannah texted her girlfriend's emergency. Now, they

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were a smart group of girls, and they used that

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word sparingly. It worked. Both of them left their dates

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to rush to Hannah's apartment and take her to the

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A and E. Her last drunk friend had the foresight

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to fill a plastic bag with ice and shove it

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into Hannah's lap. Unfortunately, the only plastic bag available in

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the tiny, unused kitchen was for Indian takeaway, and it

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was both ripped and smelled strongly of curry. The three girls,

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two of them dressed to the nines for their interrupted

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date nights, superbly tipsy with their sober friend and her

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sad bathrobe, with messy hair and smudged makeup and tear

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stained cheeks made quite the sight. A nurse in her

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sixties whisked them into the closest room. I cannot believe

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this is happening, Hannah wailed, Shall I look at it

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for you? The drunker friend offered, for the love of God, No,

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was Hannah's vague response. The searing pain had now turned

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to a throb shooting daggers through her injured body. Do

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you want a crisp? Asked the drunk friend, digging into

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her purse without making eye contact. No, I don't want

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a fucking Now, you know what Hannah was gonna say,

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She didn't want a crisp, But you don't know why

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she didn't say crisp. So we're gonna tell you. She

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didn't finish her sentence because the doctor came into the room,

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and the doctor, in full scrubs and a mask, was

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unmistakably Dennis. Dennis didn't see Hannah at first. His eyes

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were too wide, scanning her intake form, clearly stating the

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reason for her visit. When he looked up and made

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eye contact with his little sister, it was not clear

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to either the more drunk friend or the less drunk

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friend what was going to happen next. Dennis removed his mask.

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Hannah felt all the blood drain from her face and

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felt her heart slowly begin to both explode and disintegrate. Dennis,

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I know, was Dennis's professional response. No, no, no, and

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we will never speak of this again. With that, Dennis

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spun on his heel and exited the small exam room

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and excruciating half hour later, a female doctor appeared with

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copious amounts of burned cream and explicit instructions. The less

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drunk friend took notes. Upon further inspection the following morning,

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they proved to be absolutely useless. Drunk friend and less

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drunk friend managed to get a taxi and get Hannah

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home with an ice pack from the somewhat sympathetic doctor.

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They got her into bed, the cream on her nightstand,

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the ice in her lap, and a half eaten bag

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of crisps on her pillow. The next morning, Hannah awoke

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to two very very very uncomfortable circumstances. The first was

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obviously her crotch. The second was the call from her

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father demanding to know about the charges on his MasterCard.

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That was the weekend that Hannah got cut off from

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her parents. That was the month she first went to

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the laundromat, and that was the first year of her life.

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Over Christmas dinner many months later, that she told her

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socially awkward older brother that fine, yes, he'd been right.

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She did need to grow up now. Dennis may have

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had some growing up to do on his own, because,

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instead of acknowledging his little sister's emotional olive branch, he

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turned stop, sign read and yelled, I told you never

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to speak of this again. And that was actually the

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best gift Dennis could have given Hannah because it made

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her feel more grown up than him. Sorry Dennis, and

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really sorry Hannah.

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Thanks for listening. If you still can't sleep, why not

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00:20:20.160 --> 00:20:24.240
do some shopping on the small business links at anxiety Addicts,

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00:20:24.279 --> 00:20:28.000
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