July 16, 2025

The Dummy (Or Not)

The Dummy (Or Not)
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When Gemma cannot get her teenage kids under control, she tries a tactic you will never find in a parenting book. Happy Halloween!

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Jo & Morgan
WEBVTT

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To the restless, the insomniacs, the stressed out, the overwork

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the doom scrollers, the worried, and the board This is

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for you. Good writing is meant to make you think.

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This is the opposite. Short, funny, and unfortunately true stories

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that have mostly to do with nothing to help you

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turn off your brain and turn on your ram. All

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names have been changed to protect the guilty. These are

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anxiety addicts bed time stories.

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Jemma McCarthy was sick of the bullshit. Okay, it wasn't bullshit, No,

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actually it was her friends and the parenting books she

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didn't read confirmed in her head that what she was

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experiencing was totally normal sibling fighting. At least, this is

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what she told herself instead of pulling out her carefully

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frosted hair.

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This was the nineties.

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She tried to block out the yelling from the upstairs

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bathroom as she carefully layered the three different shades of

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clinique eyeshadow that the woman behind the counter at Lord

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and Taylor had so carefully instructed her on how to apply.

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She pulled her lid to the side. When did it

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start to feel like drawn on water?

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And whose fault was that? As if.

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Answering her silent question, the shriek of her fourteen year

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old daughter, Simone rang through the thin walls.

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Ben, get out of here. I have to do my bangs.

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Simone was now into her second month of high school

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and taking her hair care very seriously. Jemma had lost

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her patience with her daughter on the way to their

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grocery shopping trip to Big Wy that weekend when Simone

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took twenty two minutes in the shampoo while unable to

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pick out the correct conditioner for her hair type. The

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thing is if dry right after I wash it, but

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then oily by night. So am I combination? Simone put

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down the panteen provy and picked up the purple Aussy bottle.

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Jemma watched her daughter study the label intently. She'd better

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bring this concentration to her English homework was all that

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she could think. Jemma was tired, really really tired.

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She'd been on call.

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As an obgyn delivering babies every night that week and

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was on approximately zero hours of sleep. Big Y was

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not exactly on her dream list of places to be

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on that rainy afternoon.

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Just pick one where you.

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Like the smell was the best advice she could give Simone.

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Jemma didn't remember being so obsessed with her products when

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she was her daughter's age, but the regularly scheduled interruption

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of every TV show with women faking ostentatious orgasms for

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herbal Essences products had definitely wormed their.

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Way into Simone's brain.

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Yes, yes, yes, the bombshells would scream through the television speakers.

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It was as good an advertising campaign as Gemma had

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ever seen. Truth be told, she did avoid eye contact

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with both of her children when it popped on. Jemma

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pushed her cart past the rose and rows of plastic bottles.

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I'm going to the deli to get cold cuts. Meet

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me at checkout.

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But before she could get over to the counter to

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order her turkey, Ben, her son, sixteen and now towering

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above her, bounded down the aisle, knocking over Simone like

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an oversized puppy. Ben. Simone yelled at her brother at

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the top of her adolescent lungs, don't get girly shampoo.

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I don't need to smell like a flower shop mom.

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Jemma could not believe that she had to mediate this

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level of nonsense. They were teenagers, they were supposed to

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be more reasonable than toddlers, Right, Ben, get your own shampoo.

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I'm serious, Simon, hurry it up. Ben grabbed the green

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bottle of herbal Essence from his sister and tossed it

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in the cart. If this is what girls like to smell,

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then that's how I'm gonna smell. Jem's exhausted mine briefly

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flashed to the woman in the commercial lathering her long

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brunette locks in an outdoor shower, heaving and moaning. She

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made a note to tell her husband that another bird's

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in the bees talk was probably necessary. Parenting at this

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age was so full of contradictions sometimes, and if she

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were being honest, kind of a lot lately, her kids

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acted so immature, so obnoxiously childish, especially around each other,

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that she felt like not much had changed with them

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since grade school. Other times she was making a mental

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note to have a very adult conversation with them.

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It was a lot.

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Exiting big Y with a cart full of groceries Ben

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and his friends would most likely devour within the next

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twenty four hours and four different bottles of shampoo. Jemma

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screamed at Ben not to get hit by a Nissan

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pathfinder again. Like one hundred and seventy five pound toddler,

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he trailed his mother and sister, his head buried in

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a new comic book that he'd surreptitiously thrown onto the

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conveyor belt at checkout. It was nearing Halloween, and both

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teens were on a mission to find something both fun

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and adult to do. Look at this, he yelled to Simone.

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That's how they were.

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Maybe that's how all teenage brothers and sisters were. One

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minute they could be wwe wrestling and hurling insults at

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each other, and a second later they'd both have their

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heads buried in the same stupid magazine. No way, Ben,

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don't you dare, Simone wailed. Jemma was too tired to

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be curious about whatever her son was doing to piss

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off her daughter. Simone wasn't having the easiest time these days.

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Puberty seemed to have descended.

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All at once on her only daughter.

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She'd grown at least three inches since school at out

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in June maybe four. J Gemma had taken her bra shopping

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twice over the summer and again in September. Poor Simone

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was just trying to play catch up with both her

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body and her brother. Mom, she yelled, sounding a lot

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more like a four year old than a fourteen year old.

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Do not let him buy this.

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Jemma unloaded the paper bags into the trunk of her hatchback.

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The kids helped without being asked. She tried to remember

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this as a parenting win, but she had no interest

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in getting involved in this stupid argument. Before she could

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tell them to cut it out, Simone shoved the magazine

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into her mother's face.

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Gemma was so, so tired.

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What she really wanted was to go home, throw on

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her sweatpants, and pass out to the soothing.

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Sound of General Hospital.

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Instead, she found herself staring at an ad for the

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World's Creepiest Ventriloquist Dummy. It was one of those faces

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that looked like.

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It had been carved from wood.

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More at home on a haunted vaudeville stage in the

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nineteen thirties than anywhere in Massachusetts in nineteen ninety six.

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It's painted on brows, exaggerated eyes, and unhinged jaw looked

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like it could climb directly into your soul and wreak

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absolute hafock.

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There she was just about to chastise.

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Simone for overreacting when she felt herself physically repulsed by

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the image.

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Ben, you don't need.

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This, Jemma tried to calmly show the page out of

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her face. Ben grabbed the magazine.

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I do.

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It's part of my Halloween costume. Ben declared, as if

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he'd been thinking about purchasing this very ventriloquist dummy for

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ages and hadn't just stumbled upon it mere seconds ago.

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His mind was set.

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It probably didn't hurt that just showing Simone the picture

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made her shriek. A week and a half later, the

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package drive for Ben from her warehouse in Long Island,

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New York, and that's when the mayhem started. Much to

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Ben's delight, the dummy was bigger, creepier, and much more

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realistic than advertised. Simone's reaction to the thing was as

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outsized as its bulbous nose. Get it out of here,

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she would yell, walking into the computer nook to do

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her homework.

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The nook was an.

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Attractive feature of the house, a small space that Gemma

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and her husband had fallen in love with at first sight.

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In between the two kids rooms at the top of

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the landing. She'd put two desks, one with a family computer.

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It was the perfect place to direct Ben and Simone

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to get their homework done before they locked themselves in

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their rooms. There was no door, it was more of

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a loft really, and the setup allowed the Pains to

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keep an eye on their son and daughter in the evenings.

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But all was not well in the homework nook.

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Ben had taken to leaving Charlie, as he'd named the

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dummy on the reading chair in the corner. He would

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never have admitted it as a six foot tall, sixteen

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year old guy, but the thing creeped him out too.

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He didn't like waking up in the middle of the

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night and seeing Charlie sitting on the floor staring at

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him with his menacing eyes and torturous smile, so the

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wooden man was relegated to the homework room. He's helping

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me with world history, Ben would throw at Simone. The

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only thing that made keeping Charlie around worth his own

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discomfort was how miserable Charlie's presence made a sister.

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You should get.

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Along with him, you're both dummies. Ben doubled over, cracking

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himself up, while Simone yelled downstairs to her parents to

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stop Ben's shit. Jemmo was over it. It seemed like

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every expect didn't. Mother in town had decided to deliver

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their babies back to back to back to back this month,

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and she was exhausted to the point of borderline insanity.

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Charlie had only been a member of the household for

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three days, and Gemma was already fed up with hearing

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about him. She stormed upstairs, much like she done when

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they were both young children, fighting over legos.

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Or Barbie g I Joe wars.

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Stop it, she yelled to her teenagers. Why, she asked herself.

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They would stop when they were good and ready.

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There wasn't much she could do.

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She could threaten to forbid Ben from having his friends over,

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but Hull could she The truth was as much of

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an imposition as it was to have a house full

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of high school junior boys in her basement. She felt

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way more comfortable when she knew exactly where Ben was.

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She could threaten not to take Simone to her girlfriend's

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house to watch Beverly Hills nine oh two and zero,

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but if she were being honest, she was so happy

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that her shy, introverted daughter had finally made some friends

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that she wasn't going to get in the way of

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Simone having her small social life. Stomping up the stairs,

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hoping there was something left in her that could still

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scare her children into behaving, she worried about no longer

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having any kind of leash over them. How are you

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supposed to punish teenagers? Before she could dive any deeper

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into this question, she got to the top of the

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landing and saw what was causing the commotion.

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Charlie had been thrown onto.

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The old love seat in the computer room, his head

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tilted to the side and his arms laid on the

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cushions as if he were begging to give the world's

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most horrifying hug. Get it out of here. Her daughter's

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yell caught her ear drums off guard. Jemma briefly wondered

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if Simone was capable of any other volume than screaming

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her freaking head off. Jemma stomped over to the offending doll,

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grabbing his heavy wooden body.

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He weighed much more.

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Than she expected, and then something caught her eye. No one,

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not even her husband, would have noticed it. There's mother's

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intui shit, and then there's something else.

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The way a mom who has known.

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Her child every day of their life knows, and this

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is their fearful face. It only lasted a second, not

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even a second, a millionth of a millionth of a second,

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but Jemma saw it the flash across Ben's eyes. He

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didn't want that creepy ass doll in his room either.

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Out of frustration, exhaustion, and some real annoyance, Jemma could

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have laughed, but that wouldn't.

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Have fixed anything. She maintained her even but slightly pissed

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off voice.

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Get your homework done and no TV tomorrow. Ben, you

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set your alarm for thirty minutes earlier to give simone

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in the bathroom, and that is final. The next morning,

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everything ran perfectly, smoothly. We're lying it did not. There

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was yelling and screaming, door slamming, and breakfast not eaten.

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As Gemma waved goodbye to her awful children, standing in

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her bathrobe on the chilly October morning, she wondered how

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normal her situation was. She felt like she needed to

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get through to both of them, to wake them up,

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to get their attention, and to remind them who exactly

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was in.

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Charge of their household.

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Pouring herself a steaming cup of coffee. Jemma sat down

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at the kitchen table. Maybe she should have actually read

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the parenting books.

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The shit was hard that evening.

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Neither Simone nor Ben had any interest in going upstairs

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and getting their work done. Jemma's husband had had a

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long day at work and was buried in a Sam

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Adams in a newspaper in front of the muted television in.

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The living room.

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His grade of buruntal help hovered just over a d.

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That's it, she yelled. Ben and Simone, who are now

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arguing over the last brownie.

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Go upstairs.

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Both kids threw her a look that conveyed their disappointment

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at being born and went to trudge up the stairs

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to wade through the homework that felt like cruel and

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unusual punishment.

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Ben flicked the switch on the wall.

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Nothing happened, the light bulb went out. He announced to

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the house, offering no solution on his end, Like all

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teenagers in the nineties.

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Were wont to do.

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Your father will fix it, Jemma called back.

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Her husband didn't look up from the paper.

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The stairs creaked under the weight of the growing teens.

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Jemma kept her eyes glued to them. Ben walked over

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to the corner table on the landing and turned on

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the desk light. The sheer terror in his scream was

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alarming enough to alert the neighbors. Simone followed right behind,

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yelling many decibels above her usual volume. This was the

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first time in Jemma's memory that those two had been

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on the same page about anything. The screaming was enough

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to shake their dad from.

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His happy place. The hell is going on?

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He put down his beer and paper and joined Jemma

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at the bottom.

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Of the stairs.

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I have no idea, said Jemma, with absolutely no conviction,

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because she did. In the corner of the computer nook

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sat Charlie. Someone had expertly used a sharpie to carefully

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draw down the center of his eyebrows, creating a very

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effective and terrifying face. His wooden hand had been affixed

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to a knife which was raised above his head. A

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red substance splattered around his body, as if there had

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already been more than one victim and he was looking

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for another. Under the dim flicker of the desk lamp.

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It was an image that would have made m Night

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Shamalan salivate. But at the house on Maple Lane, one

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day before Halloween. It was an image that the McCarthy

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siblings would remember for the rest of their lives.

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What what is going on? Simone whispered.

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Jemma didn't remember the last time she'd heard her daughter

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speak that quietly.

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Ben was not happy. Ben was embarrassed.

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He looked at his dad, then his sister, then Charlie,

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and then his mom because, oh, his mom was laughing.

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Jemma hadn't thought that she would be able to scare

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the shit out of her kids. She thought the scene

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would at best startle them, maybe make them pause there

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fighting for eleven seconds. Instead, she'd managed to get their

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attention on an almost profound level. This is stupid, muttered Ben,

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who wouldn't admit how much it scared him until he

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was well into his forties. Huh, concluded the dad who

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went down to his paper homework. No fighting set your

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alarm was all that Jemma felt she needed to say.

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She turned on her heel and went back down the

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stairs to replace the bulb that she had removed earlier

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in the day. Simone and Ben just stared at each other,

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then silently went to their desks and start at their homework.

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The next morning, Ben was up and.

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Out of the bathroom before Simone was even out of bed,

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and Charlie was gone. The mess was cleaned up, and

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the dummy disappeared. Ben didn't ask about him and picked

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a different Halloween costume, but Charlie never left. Jemma packed

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him away in the basement and would pull him out

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a half dozen times over the years to scare the

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shit out of her kids when they were being assholes.

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This is a tactic that may or may not have

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been in a parenting book. She wouldn't know, she never

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read any of them.

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Thanks for listening. If you still can't sleep, why not

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do some shopping on the small business links at anxiety

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00:18:02.119 --> 00:18:05.200
don't forget to subscribe and to send us your stories

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