July 16, 2025
The Dummy (Or Not)
When Gemma cannot get her teenage kids under control, she tries a tactic you will never find in a parenting book. Happy Halloween!
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Jo & Morgan
🌈 Lost your EarPods? Procrastinating at your computer? Hate the sound of Jo's voice? Then you're in luck!
🍀 All episodes are available for your reading pleasure at www.anxietyaddictsbedtimestories.com
📚 Love the stories?
👄 Have one to tell?
⏰ Only have three minutes? It's SO easy to submit your own! Just click on: www.anxietyaddictsbedtimestories.com/contact
✍️ How does it work?
👀 Is it annoying?
👮 Will the cops find me? You send three short sentences and we do the rest. It's less annoying than anything else in your inbox. And we change all names and identifying characteristics so the only thing knocking on your door after midnight is hopefully someone you invited.
🍆 Want funny pics? Links to the latest story? And videos of all the things stressing us the eff out? Lucky for you, our Insta is 🔥 Fire 🔥 So follow us here: @anxietyaddictsbedtimestories.
Need a 90-second life break to make you laugh and forget about the real world for an entire minute? Put your email in here for a good time: https://www.anxietyaddictsbedtimestories.com/Sweet dreams...xoxo
Jo & Morgan
WEBVTT
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To the restless, the insomniacs, the stressed out, the overwork
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the doom scrollers, the worried, and the board This is
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for you. Good writing is meant to make you think.
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This is the opposite. Short, funny, and unfortunately true stories
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that have mostly to do with nothing to help you
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turn off your brain and turn on your ram. All
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names have been changed to protect the guilty. These are
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anxiety addicts bed time stories.
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Jemma McCarthy was sick of the bullshit. Okay, it wasn't bullshit, No,
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actually it was her friends and the parenting books she
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didn't read confirmed in her head that what she was
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experiencing was totally normal sibling fighting. At least, this is
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what she told herself instead of pulling out her carefully
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frosted hair.
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This was the nineties.
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She tried to block out the yelling from the upstairs
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bathroom as she carefully layered the three different shades of
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clinique eyeshadow that the woman behind the counter at Lord
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and Taylor had so carefully instructed her on how to apply.
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She pulled her lid to the side. When did it
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start to feel like drawn on water?
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And whose fault was that? As if.
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Answering her silent question, the shriek of her fourteen year
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old daughter, Simone rang through the thin walls.
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Ben, get out of here. I have to do my bangs.
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Simone was now into her second month of high school
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and taking her hair care very seriously. Jemma had lost
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her patience with her daughter on the way to their
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grocery shopping trip to Big Wy that weekend when Simone
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took twenty two minutes in the shampoo while unable to
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pick out the correct conditioner for her hair type. The
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thing is if dry right after I wash it, but
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then oily by night. So am I combination? Simone put
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down the panteen provy and picked up the purple Aussy bottle.
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Jemma watched her daughter study the label intently. She'd better
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bring this concentration to her English homework was all that
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she could think. Jemma was tired, really really tired.
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She'd been on call.
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As an obgyn delivering babies every night that week and
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was on approximately zero hours of sleep. Big Y was
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not exactly on her dream list of places to be
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on that rainy afternoon.
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Just pick one where you.
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Like the smell was the best advice she could give Simone.
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Jemma didn't remember being so obsessed with her products when
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she was her daughter's age, but the regularly scheduled interruption
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of every TV show with women faking ostentatious orgasms for
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herbal Essences products had definitely wormed their.
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Way into Simone's brain.
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Yes, yes, yes, the bombshells would scream through the television speakers.
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It was as good an advertising campaign as Gemma had
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ever seen. Truth be told, she did avoid eye contact
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with both of her children when it popped on. Jemma
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pushed her cart past the rose and rows of plastic bottles.
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I'm going to the deli to get cold cuts. Meet
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me at checkout.
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But before she could get over to the counter to
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order her turkey, Ben, her son, sixteen and now towering
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above her, bounded down the aisle, knocking over Simone like
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an oversized puppy. Ben. Simone yelled at her brother at
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the top of her adolescent lungs, don't get girly shampoo.
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I don't need to smell like a flower shop mom.
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Jemma could not believe that she had to mediate this
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level of nonsense. They were teenagers, they were supposed to
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be more reasonable than toddlers, Right, Ben, get your own shampoo.
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I'm serious, Simon, hurry it up. Ben grabbed the green
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bottle of herbal Essence from his sister and tossed it
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in the cart. If this is what girls like to smell,
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then that's how I'm gonna smell. Jem's exhausted mine briefly
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flashed to the woman in the commercial lathering her long
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brunette locks in an outdoor shower, heaving and moaning. She
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made a note to tell her husband that another bird's
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in the bees talk was probably necessary. Parenting at this
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age was so full of contradictions sometimes, and if she
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were being honest, kind of a lot lately, her kids
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acted so immature, so obnoxiously childish, especially around each other,
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that she felt like not much had changed with them
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since grade school. Other times she was making a mental
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note to have a very adult conversation with them.
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It was a lot.
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Exiting big Y with a cart full of groceries Ben
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and his friends would most likely devour within the next
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twenty four hours and four different bottles of shampoo. Jemma
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screamed at Ben not to get hit by a Nissan
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pathfinder again. Like one hundred and seventy five pound toddler,
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he trailed his mother and sister, his head buried in
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a new comic book that he'd surreptitiously thrown onto the
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conveyor belt at checkout. It was nearing Halloween, and both
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teens were on a mission to find something both fun
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and adult to do. Look at this, he yelled to Simone.
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That's how they were.
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Maybe that's how all teenage brothers and sisters were. One
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minute they could be wwe wrestling and hurling insults at
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each other, and a second later they'd both have their
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heads buried in the same stupid magazine. No way, Ben,
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don't you dare, Simone wailed. Jemma was too tired to
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be curious about whatever her son was doing to piss
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off her daughter. Simone wasn't having the easiest time these days.
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Puberty seemed to have descended.
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All at once on her only daughter.
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She'd grown at least three inches since school at out
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in June maybe four. J Gemma had taken her bra shopping
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twice over the summer and again in September. Poor Simone
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was just trying to play catch up with both her
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body and her brother. Mom, she yelled, sounding a lot
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more like a four year old than a fourteen year old.
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Do not let him buy this.
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Jemma unloaded the paper bags into the trunk of her hatchback.
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The kids helped without being asked. She tried to remember
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this as a parenting win, but she had no interest
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in getting involved in this stupid argument. Before she could
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tell them to cut it out, Simone shoved the magazine
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into her mother's face.
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Gemma was so, so tired.
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What she really wanted was to go home, throw on
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her sweatpants, and pass out to the soothing.
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Sound of General Hospital.
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Instead, she found herself staring at an ad for the
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World's Creepiest Ventriloquist Dummy. It was one of those faces
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that looked like.
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It had been carved from wood.
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More at home on a haunted vaudeville stage in the
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nineteen thirties than anywhere in Massachusetts in nineteen ninety six.
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It's painted on brows, exaggerated eyes, and unhinged jaw looked
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like it could climb directly into your soul and wreak
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absolute hafock.
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There she was just about to chastise.
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Simone for overreacting when she felt herself physically repulsed by
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the image.
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Ben, you don't need.
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This, Jemma tried to calmly show the page out of
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her face. Ben grabbed the magazine.
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I do.
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It's part of my Halloween costume. Ben declared, as if
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he'd been thinking about purchasing this very ventriloquist dummy for
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ages and hadn't just stumbled upon it mere seconds ago.
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His mind was set.
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It probably didn't hurt that just showing Simone the picture
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made her shriek. A week and a half later, the
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package drive for Ben from her warehouse in Long Island,
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New York, and that's when the mayhem started. Much to
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Ben's delight, the dummy was bigger, creepier, and much more
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realistic than advertised. Simone's reaction to the thing was as
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outsized as its bulbous nose. Get it out of here,
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she would yell, walking into the computer nook to do
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her homework.
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The nook was an.
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Attractive feature of the house, a small space that Gemma
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and her husband had fallen in love with at first sight.
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In between the two kids rooms at the top of
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the landing. She'd put two desks, one with a family computer.
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It was the perfect place to direct Ben and Simone
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to get their homework done before they locked themselves in
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their rooms. There was no door, it was more of
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a loft really, and the setup allowed the Pains to
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keep an eye on their son and daughter in the evenings.
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But all was not well in the homework nook.
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Ben had taken to leaving Charlie, as he'd named the
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dummy on the reading chair in the corner. He would
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never have admitted it as a six foot tall, sixteen
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year old guy, but the thing creeped him out too.
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He didn't like waking up in the middle of the
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night and seeing Charlie sitting on the floor staring at
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him with his menacing eyes and torturous smile, so the
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wooden man was relegated to the homework room. He's helping
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me with world history, Ben would throw at Simone. The
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only thing that made keeping Charlie around worth his own
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discomfort was how miserable Charlie's presence made a sister.
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You should get.
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Along with him, you're both dummies. Ben doubled over, cracking
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himself up, while Simone yelled downstairs to her parents to
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stop Ben's shit. Jemmo was over it. It seemed like
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every expect didn't. Mother in town had decided to deliver
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their babies back to back to back to back this month,
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and she was exhausted to the point of borderline insanity.
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Charlie had only been a member of the household for
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three days, and Gemma was already fed up with hearing
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about him. She stormed upstairs, much like she done when
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they were both young children, fighting over legos.
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Or Barbie g I Joe wars.
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Stop it, she yelled to her teenagers. Why, she asked herself.
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They would stop when they were good and ready.
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There wasn't much she could do.
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She could threaten to forbid Ben from having his friends over,
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but Hull could she The truth was as much of
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an imposition as it was to have a house full
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of high school junior boys in her basement. She felt
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way more comfortable when she knew exactly where Ben was.
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She could threaten not to take Simone to her girlfriend's
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house to watch Beverly Hills nine oh two and zero,
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but if she were being honest, she was so happy
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that her shy, introverted daughter had finally made some friends
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that she wasn't going to get in the way of
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Simone having her small social life. Stomping up the stairs,
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hoping there was something left in her that could still
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scare her children into behaving, she worried about no longer
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having any kind of leash over them. How are you
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supposed to punish teenagers? Before she could dive any deeper
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into this question, she got to the top of the
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landing and saw what was causing the commotion.
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Charlie had been thrown onto.
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The old love seat in the computer room, his head
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tilted to the side and his arms laid on the
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cushions as if he were begging to give the world's
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most horrifying hug. Get it out of here. Her daughter's
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yell caught her ear drums off guard. Jemma briefly wondered
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if Simone was capable of any other volume than screaming
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her freaking head off. Jemma stomped over to the offending doll,
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grabbing his heavy wooden body.
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He weighed much more.
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Than she expected, and then something caught her eye. No one,
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not even her husband, would have noticed it. There's mother's
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intui shit, and then there's something else.
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The way a mom who has known.
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Her child every day of their life knows, and this
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is their fearful face. It only lasted a second, not
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even a second, a millionth of a millionth of a second,
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but Jemma saw it the flash across Ben's eyes. He
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didn't want that creepy ass doll in his room either.
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Out of frustration, exhaustion, and some real annoyance, Jemma could
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have laughed, but that wouldn't.
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Have fixed anything. She maintained her even but slightly pissed
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off voice.
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Get your homework done and no TV tomorrow. Ben, you
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set your alarm for thirty minutes earlier to give simone
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in the bathroom, and that is final. The next morning,
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everything ran perfectly, smoothly. We're lying it did not. There
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was yelling and screaming, door slamming, and breakfast not eaten.
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As Gemma waved goodbye to her awful children, standing in
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her bathrobe on the chilly October morning, she wondered how
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normal her situation was. She felt like she needed to
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get through to both of them, to wake them up,
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to get their attention, and to remind them who exactly
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was in.
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Charge of their household.
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Pouring herself a steaming cup of coffee. Jemma sat down
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at the kitchen table. Maybe she should have actually read
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the parenting books.
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The shit was hard that evening.
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Neither Simone nor Ben had any interest in going upstairs
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and getting their work done. Jemma's husband had had a
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long day at work and was buried in a Sam
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