Jan. 7, 2026
The Special Sauce
How to win over your girlfriend's Italian family you ask? Here's a hint: Try using mushrooms 😘 🌈 Lost your EarPods? Procrastinating at your computer? Hate the sound of Jo's voice? Then you're in luck! 🍀 All episodes are available for your reading...
How to win over your girlfriend's Italian family you ask? Here's a hint: Try using mushrooms 😘
🌈 Lost your EarPods? Procrastinating at your computer? Hate the sound of Jo's voice? Then you're in luck!
🍀 All episodes are available for your reading pleasure at www.anxietyaddictsbedtimestories.com
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Jo & Morgan
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To the restless, the insomniacs, the stressed out, the worried,
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and the board. This is for you. Welcome to Anxiety
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Addicts Bedtime Stories, an original podcast by Joe Newman and
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Morgan Walsh serving up hot, mostly true, twenty minute stories
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to turn off your brain and turn on your r M.
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The stories come from all over the Internet, from you
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to the bs inbox and whispered related parties. But your
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secrets are safe here. All names are changed to protect
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the guilty, so please sit back, relax, and send us
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your stories at the link in the show notes and
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sweet dreams.
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Oh hi, and welcome to one of the less weird
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corners of the Internet. My name is Joe and this
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is Anxiety Addicts Bedtime Stories, where my best friend Morgan
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and myself find stories from all over the Internet and
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our inbox of people doing kind of weird, embarrassing, maybe
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slightly regrettable things, and then we turn them into a
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twenty minute bedtime story, always with a happy ending, not
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that kind. So our goal here is to give you
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stories of people doing awkward, embarrassing, sometimes kind of shitty things,
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but then everything turning out okay. So whatever it is
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that you're stressed out about or that's like cycling in
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your head and you can't stop thinking about that thing
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that you said in two thousand and eight at that
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random dinner party.
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Where you didn't know anybody. We want you to know
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that there's a lot of us out there like that.
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We're all doing the same thing, but we can come together,
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listen to these stories and chill.
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The heck out. So that's what we're here for.
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And please, if you have time, or even if you
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don't have time and would rather do this than something else,
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woruld like to help you procrastinate by asking you to
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get us five stars a little review and sharing with
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your friends and your weird aunt she would like this.
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So sit back, relax, and enjoy this really really funny
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story about magic mushrooms. Also trigger warning magic mushrooms. Not
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sure who that would trigger? This is a good one.
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What do I have to do to get your family
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to like me? That's what I said, but that's not
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what I met meant. What Emmett really wanted to say
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was there is absolutely no way to ever get your
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family to come around to me, and there's nothing I
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can do about it, And I'm really sick of trying
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Carla's side because it was true. I know, babe, but
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Emmett was pretty upset. She walked through the sun speckled
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kitchen and put her arms around the sweetest man she'd
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ever met.
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I'm working on them, I promise, it's just well, you know,
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you could call them a stubborn bunch. I'm it, almost
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gasped the idea. I would never call them that. Carla
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tried not very hard not to laugh.
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Because Emmett was taking this conversation rather seriously. I drive
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an hour every Sunday to get your uncle Joseppe those
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canoles he loves, even though you could go six minutes
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and get a Boston cream donut from Duncan. I'm just saying,
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but I get it. Everyone has their thing. I go
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to everyone's parties, and I always bring my cornhole game,
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and that thing is heavy.
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I'm going to be a.
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Super successful biologist one day and buy your own hair
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salon like the husband did in Steal Magnolia's. And speaking
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of Steel Magnolia's, I always pick out a chick flick
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on Sunday nights to make your mom happy.
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And then I cry real tears. Emma was a little
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worked up.
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He did do all of those things and more, but
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what he said was true. Her large Italian New Jersey
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family didn't like him. It wasn't exactly personal. They had
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their reasons. They just didn't make a lot of sense
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to anyone outside of the family or outside of the kitchen.
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Emmett was a mild mannered twenty six year old from
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southern Georgia working as curly blonde brain to shreds on
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its PhD in molecular biology.
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But he wasn't Italian, and that was all the.
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Family needed to know to judge if he was worthy
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of Carla and their lives were quite seriously intertwined with
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Emma and Carla because the couple lived within spitting distance
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of at least a dozen Benettis, and those were just
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the ones that he knew about.
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There were always other cousins.
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Dropping in, moving to the Tri state area, getting married,
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getting divorced, and having babies, and for reasons that Emmett
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couldn't quite wrap his southern head around, everyone had to
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be involved with everything.
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They were a tight knit clan.
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They were really close and Gia, Carla's mother, was even
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closer because Emma and Carla lived in her house. Every morning,
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Gea would raise her eyebrows as much as the botox
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would allow as she watched the grown man in love
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with her grown daughter make himself a giant bowl of
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lucky Charms to start the day, washing it down with
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whole milk and a mug of Folger's instant coffee.
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It wasn't easy for her to watch. She made these.
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Clicking sounds with her mouth as she sliced through her
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loaf of crunchy bread from the local bakery and brewed
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her freshly ground espresso in the mocha what she asked,
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aghast at the accusation that she might be behaving somewhat rudely.
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Those are just the sounds I make when I'm thinking.
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Carla didn't believe her mom, Gia's stunning brown eyes brimmed
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with disdain every time she saw Emma in the kitchen.
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This was not totally undera.
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Emmett could screw up food like he was getting a
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doctorate in it. When Emmett was in charge of making
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the mashed potatoes on Thanksgiving, Uncle Joseppe asked him, after
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barely any wine and with a smile on his face,
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what has salt ever done to you, and the cloudy
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side dish went literally untouched by the entire Bennetti family.
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For the Bennetti's food was love. For Emmett, it was
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just another way he wasn't good.
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Enough for Carla.
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He looked down at his cereal bowl mournfully. I'm just
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not sure I'll ever get through to them. Carla's heart
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dropped to her pedicured feet. They'll come around, Carla said, hopefully.
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One day. I promise you, they'll.
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See what I see. Carla reached up and hugged her
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boyfriend again. She loved Emmett.
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Emmett loved hugs. She loved his.
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Eagerness about every new thing that came to his attention.
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She loved how deep he dove into new interests and
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hobbies and situation. She loved a strong body an equally
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strong sense of self. He was funny in that gym
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from the office way. But this whole thing.
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With her family was really standing down the shiny surface
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of their relationship.
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Was it just the potatoes or did the whole food
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thing hold.
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A more meaningful question? Karla didn't know. What she did
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know was that Emma was right.
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Her family was creating a serious problem for the two
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young love birds. As the weeks went by, the tension
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in the house seemed to build.
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She found Emmett more and more distracted.
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He would staying up all hours researching away at his computer,
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spending his evenings tending to.
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The flower pots on the back porch. She would look
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at him and her stomach would drop. Was she somehow
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responsible for ruining this man?
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Like so many relationships, this one reached its spoiling point.
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After a long day of work. Droom door swung open.
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Like Cramer entering Jerry's apartment on an episode of Seinfeld.
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This was unusual.
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No one could remember Emmett ever booming that quickly. It
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could have been his southern roots, but it was probably
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the depression. I've got a plan, he said, breathlessly, dashing
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across the room to pull his girlfriend into a spontaneous embrace.
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For what Carla pulled her face back from Emmett's.
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He looked like he just shaved and showered, smelling like
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dove soap and enthusiasm.
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I'm going to give myself a mental and emotional reset.
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And before Carla could inquire about how this plan was
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meant to be, enacted, Emma pulled out his laptop and
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began to bore her with ten pages of single space research.
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Her eyes glazed.
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Over as he used one eight syllable word after another,
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but she knew how to be patient and wait for
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him to finish. He had a plan, a big plan,
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a very way out there plan, a plan of psychically
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epic proportions. The big picture was that Emmett would spend
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the rest of the day on a truckload of a
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very specific type of hallucinogenic mushroom and sit in the
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den with no lights, no food, no interruptions, only water
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and his thoughts. Well, Emmett looked up at his girlfriend
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with his giant puppy dog eyes.
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What do you think? Carla searched hard for the right words. Okay, well,
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if you think this is what you need.
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A long, dedicated day of her boyfriend doing drugs to
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make her family love him was not on Carla Bennetti's
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BINGO card when she woke up that morning. But Emmett
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was as serious as a heart attack. He had one caveat.
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I need you to keep ge away from me too,
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not a single interruption. I don't want a coffee, Carla
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gave him her blessing. She imagined Emmett dancing and sweating
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and humming in the den for twelve hours, and she
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had no problem keeping her mother busy and out of
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the house for the day because.
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She didn't want to be there either.
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The women shopped for hours, and that night Carla slept alone.
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Emmett was still in the den.
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She could hear weird harmonium music emanating from the dark room.
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She slept in fits and spurts, pulling out her silk eyemask,
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eventually blocking out all the sun. That way, the morning
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slipped away from her, and by the time she was
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fully conscious, it was almost noon. She grabbed her bathrobe
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and pat it out of her room. There was the
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usual morning clanging of pots and pans in the kitchen,
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rattling her head as she descended the.
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Stairs, but the sight surprised her.
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It was not her mother making lasagna, standing in front
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of the stove while three different saute pans were cooking simultaneously,
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with Emmett surrounded by grocery bags, cutting boards, and more
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fresh herbs than she'd ever seen in her life. Was
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her lucky Charms eating boyfriend. When he saw Carla his
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eyes twinkled. He floated across the kitchen, grabbed her by
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the waist, and dipped her back into a movie kiss.
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She cleared her throat. Yesterday went well.
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Emmett released Carla from his bogart esk embrace. Invite the
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whole family for dinner. Everyone, six o'clock sharp now. Emma
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gently smacked her butt with the dish towel that had
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been draped over his shoulder. Get out of here. No,
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Carla had not slept well. She had not yet enjoyed
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a cup of coffee, and the dish towel placement was
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really throwing her off her game. And what was he
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doing cooking? Why does smell so good?
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Carla's had spun in confusion. Now what is he doing?
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Carla's mother called from her bedroom, where she sat at
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her antique desk on a very important call.
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She spurred into the receiver, A futile gester.
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You could hear Gia Bennetti across the Arizona Bridge. Gia
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waved Carla into her room. Uncle Jospe wants to know
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what's going on. He got a text from Emmett something
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about dinner. A surprise, he says, Wait, Gia went back
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to the call, nodding her head vigorously. She covered the
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receiver again. He says, you don't have to marry him. Wait,
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Carla exhaled loudly.
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Gia nodded even more. He says he'll pay you ten
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thousand dollars to say no. Gia went back to the phone.
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Heaven's to Betsy Jusepp, we're you gonna get that kind
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of money?
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Mom? Carla was used to this. Can we go out again?
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I just I had so much fun with you yesterday
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and I need to get my roots done and emmett,
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I guess needs the kitchen, don't.
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Gia returned to her call. She wants to go out
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with me. No, I don't know, No, I don't know anything.
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Be here at six like you said, and then I
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guess we'll find out. Now I haven't seen a jewelry
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box anywhere. Well, she can marry whoever she wants to.
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Just set this isn't the old country, all right? All right?
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She wants me to hang up call me in an
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hour show And that's how the day went. The knot
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and Carla's stomach grew from walnut size to an eleven
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pound anxiety baby in her belly.
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When she and Gia got.
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Their roots done and hit up the farmer's market. Gia's
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phone rang every nine minutes for the entire day.
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The Benettis wanted to know what the heck was going on.
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Well, at least will look nice for whatever this is.
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